Insecurity

Feelings after the amazing news are confusing. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I can't wait to go back to stressful life making money for the family, feeling important and relevant again. But in the back of my head there is this small voice called Insecurity making me wonder... Will I be good enough? I'm trying not to listen but it is a grey could over my head I have to say.

And I need to buy shoes, you know? And a dress! Mandatory! God I'm such a girl!

Kintsugi

My neck is out again. It's been killing me since saturday... I guess expecting a call from humain ressources might have been the problem. Have you ever heard about an old traditional system of pulling together broken vases and plates by using gold. It's called Kintsugi. What they do is filling the missing pieces with melted gold and it sort of fills the blanks. The outcome is beautiful and adds strength to the piece. I'm only hoping that's what stress will do. Make me stronger! Hey! I'm not saying stress is better than gold but it's easier to find.

The call

I wish the jerks from the dreamy law firm didn't call last week to ask if I was interested in the firm... They say they will call me back in the following days. A week after I'm waiting, checking my phone every few minutes. And my email. I think if they reject me they will send me and email instead of calling. 

At this point I'm trying to remain calm but it's too much I think. The exam tomorrow, the stupid call... I think if THEY were interested they would have call by now but the possitive person in me keeps saying things in my ear. I hope they will make me an offer. I don't think they could find anyone more willing to work, appreciate the opportunity and invested in a project. 

Their call could change our lives. It will take so much pressure of my shoulders... It's taking to long to come...

Anxiety avoidance tip

Sometimes life isn't fair. But today I'm not gonna think about it, I'm going to focus on going back home for the weekend. I can't wait to have that warm feeling when entering the house where I grew up in. All the memories that sets on every room.I might let myself be nostalgic, just for the weekend. I'll take the train, enjoy the yummy sandwiches, read my book, annoy my husband while he sleeps... And hug my mother very closely. 

Anxiety can come from different situations, a job interview, an exam, a social situation, having to leave again at the end of the weekend the house you grew up in and where everything is beautiful and organized and where you don't need to explain every penny you spend... I find it usefull in this cases to do the mental exercise I just did, imaging you are in fact in that moment. How you will arrive to the place, what kind of questions they can ask you, the type of situation you might get yourself into... even the face of the persons, what you will be wearing... Recreate the details of the event that creates the anxious feeling.

It's possible that only by thinking about it it will make you nervious, well good. That way you will avoid that feeling when the event takes place because in your head you will have lived that situation before. It will make it easier and less scary. It only takes a few minutes, concentrate, recreate the situation in an enviroment that makes you feel safe. I assure you when the event comes it will less awkward, scary and unexpected.

Walls !

I used to think crying was a symptom of weakness. Then my life changed and I realized I wasn't able to control me and I would cry for the most unexpected reasons. I didn't cry with any movie, not even Bambi when I was a kid. After 2012 I discover Kleenex were a must when going to the movies. But it wasn't only the movies, it was everything. I guess I became a sensitive person, or that my show-feelings-control systems was shacked to a core. 

The thing is that working on rebuilding me I wanted to start again on my anti-cry wall but it turns out I couldn't. That was until yesterday. After all the emotions (and two failed attempts of killing my driver’s license teacher) I was feeling the anxiety attack coming, I could feel it in my stomach, my chest, my heart... So I immediately grabbed my sawing kit and start over a decoration project I had in mind in order to focus on something else. Then my husband made it home and all that pressure turned into the need of crying. 

I decided it was now or never. Crying will not express a feeling, the message was out, I wasn't even supposed to be sad! I really don't know how but I laid the first brick down, tiers stayed in for the night. In exchange I stayed up almost all night (I believe this is related not to the tiers thing but to the almost anxiety attack...) 

Rebuilding stuff is hard, but always keep in mind it is an opportunity to include all the changes you might need in order to live better. 

Certificates and stupid questions

Oh, Am I pissed..?!?! I've never been treated like that before... Let me explain, you will understand. Before you can get your driver’s license you need a doctor to analyze if you might have any kind of physical or psychological which will make you unsuitable for driving. 

One of the questions was if I had visited a psychiatrist or psychologist in the last 5 years, I answered yes because it's true and because I'm not ashamed. I needed help, it was very painful to admit it but I did it and somehow, even before going to the doctor my cured had started just by asking for help. The woman went crazy, all alarms went off, they put me in a separate room and they had I psychologist asking questions about how often I wanted to kill myself. 

I was released from treatment 11 months ago. It was hard, it was (as it is now) a fight but I manage to do it. Even in the deepest moments I never had the intention of killing myself, not even once. She made me go back to that time where getting out of bed was painful and honestly I don't think it was necessary. They made me feel weak, and ashamed... But only for a minute. 

I decided I wasn't going to give them the power of ruining my day, of ruining the experience of getting my driver’s license, which is something I'm enjoying a lot. Having a psychological decease is not something to be ashamed off. I believe there is still a stigma about psychological deceases. Absurd, isn't it? I don't think I'm any different from any other person with a physical condition... We both needed doctors, meds, support... 

I left with the freaking certificate but I'm never going back there. 

Long talks

At pretty much the same time I was pressing "publish" for the last post I realized I needed a looooong conversation with my husband. Where's the point of writing this down and live it to no use? So that's how we spend our evening. It wasn't the most pleasant time, but it felt so great to lift that pain off my shoulders. We shared things that were making our marriage suck and made the commitment of working on the things that are annoying about us. What we said to each other, might be hurtful but we were careful to use a regular tone (no screaming allowed) bad words were left aside and everything we said was because it had to be said. 

We started by exposing what things were bothering us. Then the other had a moment to answer to those "accusations" and finally we moved on to possible solutions. They were tears, I cry all the time, sometimes for no reason. But it had to be said, we needed to say those things, it was a burden slowing us up. 

It is my believe that getting married is a forever commitment so every problem, every fight is something we are forced to overcome. We know none of us thinks about jumping the boat under any circumstance so there is a double consequence: the sense of security and a huge responsibility. Sense of security because you know you can screw it up because he has my back. This only works if it's equal for both parties. And the huge responsibility of being the best version of yourself in order to avoid making each others life hell. 

Today he cooked for me, I cooked for him. We laughed and kissed. 

Frustation

Back to the routine, and back is the black dog... And what made him grow this time are the multiple arguments I have with my husband. 

We argue about money, he thinks you should save and save and save, which means we are in a situation where we can even buy the food we need. He says that's fine because we can accept all the food her mother cooks. First, it's very sad to me that two supposedly independent persons are depending on someone else's fridge, especially when it comes to a 70 year old woman's fridge. Then I have no control whatsoever on the things I want to eat because we have to base our menus on what she provides. Finally I find frozen food disgusting so I'm basically trying to eat healthy, without spending more than 20 € a week and let me tell you how complicated it is to fix a weekly menu (having to cook two different things for two persons). I think we should definitively save money, but not up to this point. 

Another matter we argue about is regarding how often we should visit or families. We go visit their parents once a month, so we've been there 4 times since we moved. We've been to my home 0, I went alone 1 time and then my mother came visit 1. The fact that he keeps complaining about only spending 3 days a month with them makes me want to slap him. I understand he wants to see them, but I want to see my mother as often as he does... Or even more, considering my mother is alone. No kids visiting her or taking care of her, no husband, no nothing!! I'm her only child, not only I feel responsible for leaving her alone, but I'm not even able to go visit her... Because of the f****** savings plan. 

And finally, something that's inside of my mind but I'm not telling him is how much I regret moving here. I gave up my live, my beautiful, huge, comfy home, my mother, a nice fulfilling secured job, my friends, the sun... for him. And he takes it for granted. I'm just part of his planned life, I don't even have a saying on any decisions. 

FRUSTATED 

Fooooood

What helps you when you are sad? In my case it used to be sports, then eating and then shopping depending on how old I was. If I only had money... So I'm eating like a crazy person... So I'm getting fat as we speak... And I don't want to but I'm hopeless.. I'm wondering how I'll get out of this one...

Job interviews

I didn't get much sleep last night. I kept waking up every 20-30 minutes thinking I was going to be late for a job interview, 2º in two months. The interview will take place in a city 30 minutes away from where I'm living and after carefull considerations I decided to take the bus because I noticed last time the train got there late and I didn't wanted to take any chances. 

The bus left on time, I was feeling great. Pretty calmed after repeating to me for hours it wasn't a big deal. All my Zen went out the window when I saw the bus station sooooo far away from down town and I only had 30 minutes to get there...on hills...I panicked and jumped into a cab (shit people! I'm on a budget here!). 

I got there on time, happy and excited. The building was amazing, beautifully renovated keeping the right parts of the old construction. The Office seemed great, clean, elegant... The interview will take place by webcam, I sat down, took my papers out, got mentally prepared and suddenly...noises everywhere, they were protesting in front of a bank. It was very annoying and hard to understand what they were saying but I managed just fine. At the end of the interview she wanted to check on my English skills (English is not my maternal language which I'm sure it's something you had already picked up on). Oh my! For some reason whenever I switch to English I need to turn the volume up... I couldn't hear a thing!! Luckily she didn't take it as some random excuse to avoid speaking in English and she decided to call the office and continue by phone. 

Long story short... I left there happy and relaxed. She said she will give her feed back to the office manager and let me know if they were interested on having a second interview. She call me just a few hours later, I'm having that meeting on Wednesday. If they like me...no no no no no... No ifs... I'm going to work hard on the interview and be myself. I hope I can find a place to learn and grow. 

Special guest

Good morning!!!! How was your weekend?? Mine was excellent. A very dear friend of mine came visit with her husband and we had such a lovely time. Weather allowed us to pay visit to beautiful places around the city and we took advantage of it.

My friend is so inspiring... She has been fighting against anxiety for a long time. She got married five years ago, she did it with the fear of being the only one with an income. She is a nurse, and unfortunately she doesn't have a stable job. The hospital only signs contacts with employees for 6-12 months tops so she is is always concern the contract she is signing could be the last one.

Her husband lost his job, his family went bankcrupt and the possibility of finding a job with his education didn't seem so easy. But he is the kind of incapable of worrying which only increased the pressure over my friends shoulders.

She is a strong woman but at some point her body couldn't take the pressure anymore. Whenever she waving an anxiety attack she would think she was losing her mind until she realized she need it help. Professional help.

At first she decided she will only take the pills and refused therapy. She then realized taking the meds was only helping the panic episodes but not solving the problem behind it and started therapy. She went every two weeks, started to cut the doses month by month...

And then she went back to the beginning. She was upset she wasn't pregnant but could stand the idea of taking on such a big responsibility. She changed therapist and one day she texted me she was going to change her medication in order to make sure the meds won't hurt a baby, she wasn't pregnant then but it only took one month and then she was.

When she came on Friday her belly was already showing and the sadness and worry I could see in her eyes was suddenly gone. She has replaced that pain with happiness and hope. I know she has weak moments, don’t we all?

Mental illness is a constant fight I'm afraid but she is a living prove that we can do it! That you can do it!