Happy news

Today’s entry is probably one of the most specials… My best friends, my soul mate, my sister and one of the loves of my life is in labor. I’ll kill to be by her side right now, sharing this moment. I have told you about her multiple times… She got married 5 years ago and since then she’s been going thru so much… She has been suffering anxiety attacks and depression. I’m honored to say we fought that together. 

I remember when I first realized I needed professional help but was so scare to go to a consultation… I told her and I didn’t even asked her, she said she’ll pick me up from work. And so she did. We walked together to the doctors, we waited patiently, she held my hand and waited for me outside. She’s been every step of my recovery process.

One of her sources of pain and anxiety was having a baby. Today she is having a baby. All of her fears are gone; she is exited and can’t wait to see his little face. Neither can I. So far she is only 6 cms, epidural on and trying to get some rest. I didn’t call and I’m trying not to disturb every 5 minutes but it’s really hard. 

I pray for her and her baby to be Ok. I know they will be but just in case I made sure she understood I was by her side and that I loved her. It made us cry, but those are happy tears, well deserved ones if you ask me. These tears are a gift, they prove you can make it through anything. You can kick depression and anxiety if you keep fighting. As it turns out they’re weaker than what you thought.

Perseverance

Well, see, my husband is not the best cook but he puts his soul in everything he cooks, he is a passionate man and from where he comes they show love by feeding you. When he cooks his expressing how much he loves you, in fact he proposed cooking an awful dinner, the time, work, thought he put into it made the food eatable… He knew it was terrible, I know I had to say I loved it, although we both knew the truth.

The only occasion when I can accept a white lie it’s when it’s done to motivate someone. All the I don’t say the truth because I don’t want to hurt hi/her are just void excuses… Anyway… White lies… So whenever my husband cooks I always make sure to tell him how tasty his dishes are and as a result, they are!! He makes the best fish dishes and know he is moving on to rice which by the way I’m incapable of doing it right. 

I love him because he is a fighter… He doesn’t give up. I didn’t give up on me, he hasn’t give up on the cooking thing… And let me tell you, it takes great courage. The easy thing is excusing yourself by admitting you don’t know how to do something, and it sucks and it’s extremely disappointing to fail once, twice, three times… Only the brave insist.. Only they are rewarded.

Walls !

I used to think crying was a symptom of weakness. Then my life changed and I realized I wasn't able to control me and I would cry for the most unexpected reasons. I didn't cry with any movie, not even Bambi when I was a kid. After 2012 I discover Kleenex were a must when going to the movies. But it wasn't only the movies, it was everything. I guess I became a sensitive person, or that my show-feelings-control systems was shacked to a core. 

The thing is that working on rebuilding me I wanted to start again on my anti-cry wall but it turns out I couldn't. That was until yesterday. After all the emotions (and two failed attempts of killing my driver’s license teacher) I was feeling the anxiety attack coming, I could feel it in my stomach, my chest, my heart... So I immediately grabbed my sawing kit and start over a decoration project I had in mind in order to focus on something else. Then my husband made it home and all that pressure turned into the need of crying. 

I decided it was now or never. Crying will not express a feeling, the message was out, I wasn't even supposed to be sad! I really don't know how but I laid the first brick down, tiers stayed in for the night. In exchange I stayed up almost all night (I believe this is related not to the tiers thing but to the almost anxiety attack...) 

Rebuilding stuff is hard, but always keep in mind it is an opportunity to include all the changes you might need in order to live better. 

We can be heroes

My apologies for having disappeared!!! Much needed vacation to the south in order to enjoy the sun, good food and the family. We had an awesome time and I would be sad it's over but I'm excited about the things that are around the corner. 

What things? oh do tell us. Ok, I'll tell you. Because today I'm hopeful and grateful. Strangely enough and even if right now I might not be where I wanted to be in life, I am positive I'll get there at some point. It is so important to have something to look forward... The fact that we expect make us want to be around. And you wouldn't stay around if you didn't have the feeling that something good is coming your way.

I guess it's not possible to wait forever but in that case I'll recommend expecting something else. Is there a different possibility? Ok, so maybe I didn't get the job I wanted, is it possible I can get excited about switching carriers? Is there something else in the menu? Or in a different key... The guy you went out with three weeks ago didn't call. New chance to go out, dance, party, flirt... Find a new guy and have the "first-kiss-kind-a-buzz".   

The amazing grace of being able to smile thru rough times depends only in you. You have the power of turning a bad thing into, at least, a less bad thing. And when this ability is mastered you could even change it to a good thing, it will be a new beginning. It takes time and strength but once you manage to do it you can call yourself a HEROE. 

Certificates and stupid questions

Oh, Am I pissed..?!?! I've never been treated like that before... Let me explain, you will understand. Before you can get your driver’s license you need a doctor to analyze if you might have any kind of physical or psychological which will make you unsuitable for driving. 

One of the questions was if I had visited a psychiatrist or psychologist in the last 5 years, I answered yes because it's true and because I'm not ashamed. I needed help, it was very painful to admit it but I did it and somehow, even before going to the doctor my cured had started just by asking for help. The woman went crazy, all alarms went off, they put me in a separate room and they had I psychologist asking questions about how often I wanted to kill myself. 

I was released from treatment 11 months ago. It was hard, it was (as it is now) a fight but I manage to do it. Even in the deepest moments I never had the intention of killing myself, not even once. She made me go back to that time where getting out of bed was painful and honestly I don't think it was necessary. They made me feel weak, and ashamed... But only for a minute. 

I decided I wasn't going to give them the power of ruining my day, of ruining the experience of getting my driver’s license, which is something I'm enjoying a lot. Having a psychological decease is not something to be ashamed off. I believe there is still a stigma about psychological deceases. Absurd, isn't it? I don't think I'm any different from any other person with a physical condition... We both needed doctors, meds, support... 

I left with the freaking certificate but I'm never going back there. 

Big black dog

Have you seen the video about depression compared to a black dog? Here, highly recommended: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

Well for a couple of days my dog has been growing... And last night was bad. It was one of those nights when I was exhausted but I couldn't manage to fall sleep. All I was able to do was crying. I guess I'm overwhelmed by having left a decent job, moved to a different city where after 4 months I haven't met anyone, losing my economic independence and stability, feeling lost, alone, not appreciated, stupid, annoying... It started like that and then my head decided to go down memory lane and awful memories came to town.

I woke up feeling like shit (at least I managed to sleep 4 hours), got up, dressed up... I did everything in my "get better program" relating to external appearance: dress-nicely-wear-make-up (you know my theory on how external appearances might lead to change the way you fell inside)... Today it's not working. Someday I don't manage to make things work, It's one of those so at this point I'm just hoping it will go fast. 

Stay strong, Fight! 

Weekends and get aways

Exciting news!!! It's raining again... And I'm wearing black!!! I don't know why! It just happened.. I was on a hurry today and I forgot about my resolutions. It probably means I haven't interiorized the whole program but I'm not giving up!!

The weekend was amazing. We decided to pack our bags and get to know a little more about the area where we are leaving so off we went. Narrow roads, wineries along the road, small villages... And finally we made it to the hotel:

Our hotel was a monastery until the XIXth when the government decided to confiscated a lot of the properties belonging to the Catholic Church. The building is beautiful and they made such a wonderful job making it a hotel and mixing old and new trends in deco. 

As for the view... What can I say?? I have no words to describe it...We got to hike around and took a boat to see the mountains from a different point of view and it made us feel so small. And it made me think, those mountains, those trees, they will remain long after I leave this world but they'll be there. Our time here is limited and therefore we need to make the most of it. Assume we will suffer, assume we will laugh, assume we might not have it all, assume life is a constant fight and that it's ok to stop and rest a few minutes. It's ok as long as after the rest we go back to the game and fight the hell out of life.