Suicide and Depression

            I have put a lot of thought about this post… I didn’t know if it’s too early to talk about it but I think it’s important regardless how hard it’s going to be because of the relation between depression and suicide.

            First, I would like to say that I never had the urge of putting an end to my suffering. Some refer to this as “not being brave enough”… I personally think brave is the one that keeps fighting, quitters can’t be called brave. And for those saying admitting a defeat takes courage I’ll say life can only defeat you with death, surrender before is not an act to be proud of.

            I’ve red pretty upsetting comments about people “supporting” Robin Williams choice. I’m sure they didn’t go thru depression because one thing I know for sure is that it wasn’t my choice to not being able to smile for days, incapable of getting out of bed or feeling constantly miserable… It wasn’t his choice to kill him, it was his disease. Depression is a serious and common disease and it happens to work like any other. You don’t choose to be depressed the same way you don’t choose to have diabetes.

            Reading this sort of things I realize how strong the stigma of depression remains. People still comment on others if they happen to know someone was going to therapy, and then it all gets crazy if they happen to go to the psychiatrist. I find it repulsing. Will you ever judge someone for going to the doctor? Or a cancer patient for receiving Chimo? I don’t think so… So why is it that we had to put up with judgments for admitting we needed professional help and for making everything in our hands for getting better?

            I don’t know what kept Robin from reaching out. I understand shame could be it, but I hope it wasn’t that being surrounded by people no one was patient enough to see what was hiding behind his smile.

Certificates and stupid questions

Oh, Am I pissed..?!?! I've never been treated like that before... Let me explain, you will understand. Before you can get your driver’s license you need a doctor to analyze if you might have any kind of physical or psychological which will make you unsuitable for driving. 

One of the questions was if I had visited a psychiatrist or psychologist in the last 5 years, I answered yes because it's true and because I'm not ashamed. I needed help, it was very painful to admit it but I did it and somehow, even before going to the doctor my cured had started just by asking for help. The woman went crazy, all alarms went off, they put me in a separate room and they had I psychologist asking questions about how often I wanted to kill myself. 

I was released from treatment 11 months ago. It was hard, it was (as it is now) a fight but I manage to do it. Even in the deepest moments I never had the intention of killing myself, not even once. She made me go back to that time where getting out of bed was painful and honestly I don't think it was necessary. They made me feel weak, and ashamed... But only for a minute. 

I decided I wasn't going to give them the power of ruining my day, of ruining the experience of getting my driver’s license, which is something I'm enjoying a lot. Having a psychological decease is not something to be ashamed off. I believe there is still a stigma about psychological deceases. Absurd, isn't it? I don't think I'm any different from any other person with a physical condition... We both needed doctors, meds, support... 

I left with the freaking certificate but I'm never going back there.