Suicide and Depression

            I have put a lot of thought about this post… I didn’t know if it’s too early to talk about it but I think it’s important regardless how hard it’s going to be because of the relation between depression and suicide.

            First, I would like to say that I never had the urge of putting an end to my suffering. Some refer to this as “not being brave enough”… I personally think brave is the one that keeps fighting, quitters can’t be called brave. And for those saying admitting a defeat takes courage I’ll say life can only defeat you with death, surrender before is not an act to be proud of.

            I’ve red pretty upsetting comments about people “supporting” Robin Williams choice. I’m sure they didn’t go thru depression because one thing I know for sure is that it wasn’t my choice to not being able to smile for days, incapable of getting out of bed or feeling constantly miserable… It wasn’t his choice to kill him, it was his disease. Depression is a serious and common disease and it happens to work like any other. You don’t choose to be depressed the same way you don’t choose to have diabetes.

            Reading this sort of things I realize how strong the stigma of depression remains. People still comment on others if they happen to know someone was going to therapy, and then it all gets crazy if they happen to go to the psychiatrist. I find it repulsing. Will you ever judge someone for going to the doctor? Or a cancer patient for receiving Chimo? I don’t think so… So why is it that we had to put up with judgments for admitting we needed professional help and for making everything in our hands for getting better?

            I don’t know what kept Robin from reaching out. I understand shame could be it, but I hope it wasn’t that being surrounded by people no one was patient enough to see what was hiding behind his smile.

Allowing the others

I was driving back home with my husband today and he was very upset about a mistake I colleague made and ended up affecting him. He kept going on and on and on about how this will affect his credibility, how sure he was the client will leave... And I kept giving him what I thought were good solutions to the problems. To every solution he responded with a negative comment.

It was pretty obvious he didn't want to see a solution but I needed to make a little experiment (Hello, I'm Isabel and I'm a bad wife). I can assure I wasn't telling him how he is supposed to do his job, I know nothing about it, and all I was talking about was regarding costumer care and internal marketing. 

I presented an excellent plan for solving the whole thing which he quickly refused. I changed to subject to my blooming new business and all he had to say about it was negative (I took a pen to write everything down in order to avoid making any faux pas). My last attempt to keep the conversation flowing today was to say good things about him... how nice he is, how cute, how funny... He stopped me right there. I gave up and we made it home safely. 

The point of telling you about this is because some of you are also going thru raugh times and are feeling down, sad or you are dealing with depression. Sometimes all this things manage to make us forget that there is always a solution. Don't let fear or pain be the cloud hiding the sun. Don't allow tears blurry your goals. And in those days where the fear, the pain or the tears are wining the battle listen to the people around you, let their perspective pull you out of your misery by keeping an open mind. 

Introductions and life experience

Hi! I'm Me. Two years ago I had given up on myself. After my dad lost the battle to leukemia I was completely destroyed. 

The battle against cancer was fierce and my mum and I like to think myself made sure my dad wasn't alone on the battlefield. We actually won the first battle, he was able to go back home, eat all he wanted and live a normal life (I won't lie, the process was very hard on all of us but worth it every sweat drop of it). A few months later we lost the war and we lost me.

Besides for the fact of losing him which was obviously devastating I also made a new acquaintance, the postwar syndrome also known as depression. It took me way too long to ask for help but I'm glad I did, but I'm not glad I rushed into stopping the treatment because I realize now I wasn't ready. 

My doctors said it was a very common reaction. I wasn't comforted by that, actually nothing brought me comfort these days. When my dad went back to the hospital I remember going there at my lunch break to spend it with him. I spent most of my weekends with him. When he said goodbye I didn't know what to do at lunch or on weekends. 

It's so ironic. No one wants to live like that, but once you do you rather live it like that than go home without him. I miss him every day. I think about him so much. And the funny thing about it is we weren't that close before he got sick.

I struggle every day to be positive and overcome depression because the horrible thing about it is it never goes away. So I guess I keep fitting, it's just a different battlefield.

This blog is intended to by a safe place to people who can relate to my story. It could be a place to share our pain, our fears...but above all our victories. Because the war I lost that was enough losing for a lifetime. 

Care to join me?