Here and Now

Thank God it's Friday already!! I can't wait to wake up tomorrow at 11... Yeah, I'm a better person when a get a good night of sleep. Well, I heard we all are and it's true that generally we don't get enough sleep. The problem is we lack hours for doing all we are supposed to do in a day... 

Since they called me back from the lovely law firm I want to go work with called me it's not even a problem of finding the time but about keeping my mind quiet and focus on where she should be. It doesn't matter how tired I am if she is worried she won't let me sleep. My head can be a bitch because she will stay up and it might be it's not even to think about a solution it could be about saving the tropical forest, solving diplomatic problems or...pretty much everything. 

What I usually do is repeat one of my favorite Bikram Yoga Mantra Here and now. What I ask my mind to do is to be in the moment. It relates to the fact that sometimes we spend a lot of times thinking about the future, when it's not there yet and therefore we forget to enjoy the present. And others we obsess about the future, what will happened after and we forget to enjoy the present. And the problem is that by forgetting the present you can miss out on a lot: good or bad. 

And if you are going to say why would anyone like to live consciously a bad thing... I'll have to say because it's part of ours paths. Work for the day: assume and make peace with this. 

Walls !

I used to think crying was a symptom of weakness. Then my life changed and I realized I wasn't able to control me and I would cry for the most unexpected reasons. I didn't cry with any movie, not even Bambi when I was a kid. After 2012 I discover Kleenex were a must when going to the movies. But it wasn't only the movies, it was everything. I guess I became a sensitive person, or that my show-feelings-control systems was shacked to a core. 

The thing is that working on rebuilding me I wanted to start again on my anti-cry wall but it turns out I couldn't. That was until yesterday. After all the emotions (and two failed attempts of killing my driver’s license teacher) I was feeling the anxiety attack coming, I could feel it in my stomach, my chest, my heart... So I immediately grabbed my sawing kit and start over a decoration project I had in mind in order to focus on something else. Then my husband made it home and all that pressure turned into the need of crying. 

I decided it was now or never. Crying will not express a feeling, the message was out, I wasn't even supposed to be sad! I really don't know how but I laid the first brick down, tiers stayed in for the night. In exchange I stayed up almost all night (I believe this is related not to the tiers thing but to the almost anxiety attack...) 

Rebuilding stuff is hard, but always keep in mind it is an opportunity to include all the changes you might need in order to live better. 

Driving, taking control

Hiiiii!!! Exciting news!!! I passed the written test of my driver’s license and I got two paying cases yesterday!! And... I met a nice girl, suitable for friendship in this cold and wet city!! YAYYYY!!!! I guess sometimes patience pays off. 

So yesterday I had my first experience as a driver. It was scary!!! I was told of the possibility of driving back from the circuit where you learn your basics and I said no way, I rather take it slow than kill someone. But my teacher lied and I had no choice but to drive back. Luckily no one got hurt in the procedure and at the end I was happy he pushed me to do it. 

Isn't it prophetic? How many times in life we are so scare of taking the wheel, of taking control of our life? And it's not only because we can hurt people but because it means putting ourselves on the line. Taking a risk, no chance to use as an excuse "he made me do it" but really assuming a responsibility. The responsibility of leaving the life we were given. 

We were created to be free. Which means daring to make our own choices. It doesn't matter if we make mistakes, that's why friends were created for, to help us get back on track. But if you don't take the chance of living, of choosing, of being free... I'm afraid you are not really living, you are just passing by. And considering how rough life can be, it wouldn't be worth it. You will suffer, yes, so in the meantime enjoy good times! Create them! But let it be YOUR good moments, nobody else's.

Yee-pee

I'll be happy for the weekend to start but we'll be spending it with my in laws. Yep, not excited honestly. They are great persons, it's just that I like being at home, with my sheets and my bathroom... I don't like the attention nor the comments about how a good house keeper should behave because secretly she makes me feel bad for firmly believe when both partners are working, housekeeping becomes a shared task. I refuse to work at the office, and at home so he can read his paper confortably. We both contribute and that's it!

I guess it's a generation thing, she is the age of my grandmother and me grandmother even pealed of the fruits for my grandfather... I refuse to do that! And I won't do it with my kids if I ever have one... I could understand when one of the familly members is not working, then it should be his job, boy or girl. 

Love me, love you!

Have you ever had a moment of revelation? I have... It was a month ago... I was talking about how upset I was about not being able to control myself when it came to criticism. I've been over criticizing people, sometimes for good reasons, some other times for no reason at all...

The person I was talking to asked if I was like that with myself. It took me a few seconds to answer yes... And the he said "if you don't see the beauty in you how do you expect to see beauty in the others"? This message is not about "love yourself and others will love you".... It's about "love yourself and you'll be able to love others". 

I remember when I was so depressed that I couldn't even bear listening to neither my mother’s voice nor my boyfriend’s (we weren't married back then)... The 2 persons I loved the most in the world and even their voices were upsetting... I was so hurt, I had lost my faith, and "hope" had disappeared from my vocabulary... Everything seemed ugly, shallow... "How the world keeps moving after what happened to my father? After what happened to this family? After what happened to me? Don't talk to me about clothes, art, music... don't kiss me, don't touch me..." I was destroyed, incapable of loving anything or anyone... 

It is so important to make an effort, exercise kindness, not only to others but with you. Please take a second a day to say something nice about how amazing your hair looks today or how adorable your hands are... I don't know, how smart you are, that great joke you’re said yesterday... Be thankful for what you are and love love loooove you in order to love the others better.

Overwhelmed

Oh my... Today is the kind of day that makes you extra grateful. It was the first time I visited prison. As a lawyer you are supposed to assist your client there but I have never been there before mostly because my specialties are civil and commercial law. 

As I entered the prison walls I was trying to remain calmed although I was completely overwhelmed. I guess I wasn't prepare... I found our client, shaking; I don't know if it was because of how cold it was or the lack of drug in her body. She was kind, educated and had a looooooong record. I thought about giving her my scarf but I red before joining her in her cell that her boyfriend tried to take his own life with a towel and didn't want to take any risk. 

In her record shit I also found out no one came to pick up her stuff when her boyfriend had his mum... It made me feel sad for her. How did you find yourself into that? I can't imagine... 

The second part of my day didn't get much better. The second client was an 18 year old boy... He confessed so nothing much to do about his case but we got to talk. The dad was missing, her mum had a second kid the second husband also left, her grandmother was feeding and taking care of all three. He was mostly ashamed... He couldn't look at me in the eyes, they set him free again and I couldn't help of thinking again about the first girl, she will be spending that night in jail. For a reason. But, in jail... 

At some point that girl had to make a choice between committing a crime and risk a few years of her life in jail or stay where she was and somehow she preferred taking the risk rather than staying where she was. Can you imagine how desperate she was? Today I learned to be grateful for being free. Because at some point we all had the choice... Being good or choosing the wrong path and ending in a bad place... I'm grateful because I always had a support system giving me in in the dark... 

Allowing the others

I was driving back home with my husband today and he was very upset about a mistake I colleague made and ended up affecting him. He kept going on and on and on about how this will affect his credibility, how sure he was the client will leave... And I kept giving him what I thought were good solutions to the problems. To every solution he responded with a negative comment.

It was pretty obvious he didn't want to see a solution but I needed to make a little experiment (Hello, I'm Isabel and I'm a bad wife). I can assure I wasn't telling him how he is supposed to do his job, I know nothing about it, and all I was talking about was regarding costumer care and internal marketing. 

I presented an excellent plan for solving the whole thing which he quickly refused. I changed to subject to my blooming new business and all he had to say about it was negative (I took a pen to write everything down in order to avoid making any faux pas). My last attempt to keep the conversation flowing today was to say good things about him... how nice he is, how cute, how funny... He stopped me right there. I gave up and we made it home safely. 

The point of telling you about this is because some of you are also going thru raugh times and are feeling down, sad or you are dealing with depression. Sometimes all this things manage to make us forget that there is always a solution. Don't let fear or pain be the cloud hiding the sun. Don't allow tears blurry your goals. And in those days where the fear, the pain or the tears are wining the battle listen to the people around you, let their perspective pull you out of your misery by keeping an open mind. 

The Roses and the Sun

Good morning guys!! Today is a beautiful day, I say it with a big smile. You may wonder why... Because the sun is shining!! Sunny days make me soooo happy. The light that colors the streets and chasing the sunny spots make my day.

So today I'm reaching high level of being positive! I have so many reasons to be thankful for... Nothing is perfect and I'm comforted by that. None of us are protected from deception, pain, suffering (yeah girl, way to be positive) but the fact that we are here, that you are reading this means we are also strong and powerful. You might not see it; I didn't when I was in a dark place.

I remember when I finally realized I wanted to have a better life. I didn't want a life directed by depression but of course it's easier said than done. Not only from the psychological side of it but because my health insurance was taking too long to answer my request to assume the medical expenses of the treatment. I couldn't wait, so I decide to try doing a simple exercise, write down a positive thing about the day I had. 

It helped me get things into perspective and allowed me to recreate that good thing that had happen to me. Some days it was hard to find something to write down. I had to make an effort to block my bad feelings and dark thoughts and ask my mind to find something beautiful and describe it. That time I spent thinking about that great thing brought me so much peace.

I woke up today and saw a picture of a gorgeous woman smelling a rose and it made me think that I have been absorbed by the terrifying daily routine and forgot to stop and smell the roses. I have to get back on track. Of course roses are only an allegory; it's really about enjoying the good we have around. None of us is save from pain or suffering, in fact I can guarantee you will have to go thru those, and that's why we need to make an effort and emphasize on the good stuff. 

Miranda Kerr, smelling the roses

Special guest

Good morning!!!! How was your weekend?? Mine was excellent. A very dear friend of mine came visit with her husband and we had such a lovely time. Weather allowed us to pay visit to beautiful places around the city and we took advantage of it.

My friend is so inspiring... She has been fighting against anxiety for a long time. She got married five years ago, she did it with the fear of being the only one with an income. She is a nurse, and unfortunately she doesn't have a stable job. The hospital only signs contacts with employees for 6-12 months tops so she is is always concern the contract she is signing could be the last one.

Her husband lost his job, his family went bankcrupt and the possibility of finding a job with his education didn't seem so easy. But he is the kind of incapable of worrying which only increased the pressure over my friends shoulders.

She is a strong woman but at some point her body couldn't take the pressure anymore. Whenever she waving an anxiety attack she would think she was losing her mind until she realized she need it help. Professional help.

At first she decided she will only take the pills and refused therapy. She then realized taking the meds was only helping the panic episodes but not solving the problem behind it and started therapy. She went every two weeks, started to cut the doses month by month...

And then she went back to the beginning. She was upset she wasn't pregnant but could stand the idea of taking on such a big responsibility. She changed therapist and one day she texted me she was going to change her medication in order to make sure the meds won't hurt a baby, she wasn't pregnant then but it only took one month and then she was.

When she came on Friday her belly was already showing and the sadness and worry I could see in her eyes was suddenly gone. She has replaced that pain with happiness and hope. I know she has weak moments, don’t we all?

Mental illness is a constant fight I'm afraid but she is a living prove that we can do it! That you can do it!