Frustation

Back to the routine, and back is the black dog... And what made him grow this time are the multiple arguments I have with my husband. 

We argue about money, he thinks you should save and save and save, which means we are in a situation where we can even buy the food we need. He says that's fine because we can accept all the food her mother cooks. First, it's very sad to me that two supposedly independent persons are depending on someone else's fridge, especially when it comes to a 70 year old woman's fridge. Then I have no control whatsoever on the things I want to eat because we have to base our menus on what she provides. Finally I find frozen food disgusting so I'm basically trying to eat healthy, without spending more than 20 € a week and let me tell you how complicated it is to fix a weekly menu (having to cook two different things for two persons). I think we should definitively save money, but not up to this point. 

Another matter we argue about is regarding how often we should visit or families. We go visit their parents once a month, so we've been there 4 times since we moved. We've been to my home 0, I went alone 1 time and then my mother came visit 1. The fact that he keeps complaining about only spending 3 days a month with them makes me want to slap him. I understand he wants to see them, but I want to see my mother as often as he does... Or even more, considering my mother is alone. No kids visiting her or taking care of her, no husband, no nothing!! I'm her only child, not only I feel responsible for leaving her alone, but I'm not even able to go visit her... Because of the f****** savings plan. 

And finally, something that's inside of my mind but I'm not telling him is how much I regret moving here. I gave up my live, my beautiful, huge, comfy home, my mother, a nice fulfilling secured job, my friends, the sun... for him. And he takes it for granted. I'm just part of his planned life, I don't even have a saying on any decisions. 

FRUSTATED 

Colors and baby steps

I've been trying something new lately... I'm forcing myself to dress in bright colors. Yes, I love black pants, black dresses, all black, everything... It's elegant, easy and ok to wear it to every occasion (maybe avoid it on weddings). Haven't you heard about color therapy? I know babies sleep better in a room with soft color walls, I know colors are used as part of marketing campaign because colors influence on the mood of the clients... Therefore I'm sure dressing always in dark colors influences our mood, so here I am, wearing a hot pink jacket (with black pants, let’s not get to crazy). I might have left out high heels today, it's too cold and my wisdom teeth is being a pain in the a**. 

However... So far so good with my plan of getting my life in order!! Gym attendance went up, I'm spending 3 hours a day on my driver’s license and I bought my self a present. Not that it was part of the plan but sometimes a girl needs a little present. And not just any type of present... A plant!! You might have seen it in Ikea, it's a tiny cactus shaped as a heart (mine is from a different shop, I avoid buying to big companies, I support local businesses). 

I want this plant to symbolize I love me. Because I need to love to be abble to love my mother, my husband, my family... I firmly believe the first step for happiness starts and ends with you. And your have to be active! Wellness will not magically appear, you need to search actively for it! Attract it and cherish it! 

We all have days were we are feeling a little off and it's ok to be sad sometines. However, it's not normal to be sad every day. So if you are, make changes! Don't be afraid because your situation could hardly get any worst. Baby steps, don't change everything at the same time, it could be scary as hell... But start maybe with something symbolic let's say... By eating vegetables instead of greasy food on Tuesday... Or walking instead of taking the bus... Be brave! 

The Roses and the Sun

Good morning guys!! Today is a beautiful day, I say it with a big smile. You may wonder why... Because the sun is shining!! Sunny days make me soooo happy. The light that colors the streets and chasing the sunny spots make my day.

So today I'm reaching high level of being positive! I have so many reasons to be thankful for... Nothing is perfect and I'm comforted by that. None of us are protected from deception, pain, suffering (yeah girl, way to be positive) but the fact that we are here, that you are reading this means we are also strong and powerful. You might not see it; I didn't when I was in a dark place.

I remember when I finally realized I wanted to have a better life. I didn't want a life directed by depression but of course it's easier said than done. Not only from the psychological side of it but because my health insurance was taking too long to answer my request to assume the medical expenses of the treatment. I couldn't wait, so I decide to try doing a simple exercise, write down a positive thing about the day I had. 

It helped me get things into perspective and allowed me to recreate that good thing that had happen to me. Some days it was hard to find something to write down. I had to make an effort to block my bad feelings and dark thoughts and ask my mind to find something beautiful and describe it. That time I spent thinking about that great thing brought me so much peace.

I woke up today and saw a picture of a gorgeous woman smelling a rose and it made me think that I have been absorbed by the terrifying daily routine and forgot to stop and smell the roses. I have to get back on track. Of course roses are only an allegory; it's really about enjoying the good we have around. None of us is save from pain or suffering, in fact I can guarantee you will have to go thru those, and that's why we need to make an effort and emphasize on the good stuff. 

Miranda Kerr, smelling the roses

Special guest

Good morning!!!! How was your weekend?? Mine was excellent. A very dear friend of mine came visit with her husband and we had such a lovely time. Weather allowed us to pay visit to beautiful places around the city and we took advantage of it.

My friend is so inspiring... She has been fighting against anxiety for a long time. She got married five years ago, she did it with the fear of being the only one with an income. She is a nurse, and unfortunately she doesn't have a stable job. The hospital only signs contacts with employees for 6-12 months tops so she is is always concern the contract she is signing could be the last one.

Her husband lost his job, his family went bankcrupt and the possibility of finding a job with his education didn't seem so easy. But he is the kind of incapable of worrying which only increased the pressure over my friends shoulders.

She is a strong woman but at some point her body couldn't take the pressure anymore. Whenever she waving an anxiety attack she would think she was losing her mind until she realized she need it help. Professional help.

At first she decided she will only take the pills and refused therapy. She then realized taking the meds was only helping the panic episodes but not solving the problem behind it and started therapy. She went every two weeks, started to cut the doses month by month...

And then she went back to the beginning. She was upset she wasn't pregnant but could stand the idea of taking on such a big responsibility. She changed therapist and one day she texted me she was going to change her medication in order to make sure the meds won't hurt a baby, she wasn't pregnant then but it only took one month and then she was.

When she came on Friday her belly was already showing and the sadness and worry I could see in her eyes was suddenly gone. She has replaced that pain with happiness and hope. I know she has weak moments, don’t we all?

Mental illness is a constant fight I'm afraid but she is a living prove that we can do it! That you can do it!

Going back to therapy (also known as going back to the gym)

Hello Hello! Sport has always been important in my life. I grew up being in the national fencing team and after I had to quit in order to pursue other dreams I started skiing, sailing, joined a gym... I was actually able to keep up with my exercise while visiting my dad in the hospital daily. Which only proves my point, if you really want it, you make it happen. 

What I adore about sports is the feeling after a workout. No matter what happens, even if you are playing a tennis match and you miserably lose to your opponent it doesn't matter. At least your heart beat increased, your muscles stretched and have sweat running down your face and it's such a satisfying feeling.

When I went to therapy one of my doctors recommendations was to force myself to stay active. I couldn't agree more. If you are going thru something take at least 30 minutes of the day, preferably those you will spent sitting down overthinking, and go for a run, or just a fast walk. You will see a change and feel it too (in your mind and your body). 

Last year I started Bikram Yoga, which is a yoga you practice at 40º degrees and it first kicks your ass but then you feel soooo good. Back then I could only afford one day a week but it was a moment of peace combined with a high intensity sport. I absolutely loved it, but moving to a smaller city meant a change of habits.

Arriving here I thought at least I will be able to keep my gym rhythm, which basically meant go to everybody combat class possible. Well, surprise surprise, only one gym here caries Les Mills program. The gym was excellent but they only had one class of body combat and the location is not so great because you must take the car to get there (and find a spot to park).

I couldn't care less... I made some research, the math and convinced my husband to join in. We did it and I couldn't wait for combat (which is today) so I started with Zumba. I had a blast! I don't think I really burn that much but I founded myself inhibited and I'm sure being arrhythmic I actually didn't do it that bad.

I was surprised by the amount of people in the class! And from all ages (I was probably the youngest)! Today I'm going back, this time for body combat, I can't wait!!