Kintsugi

My neck is out again. It's been killing me since saturday... I guess expecting a call from humain ressources might have been the problem. Have you ever heard about an old traditional system of pulling together broken vases and plates by using gold. It's called Kintsugi. What they do is filling the missing pieces with melted gold and it sort of fills the blanks. The outcome is beautiful and adds strength to the piece. I'm only hoping that's what stress will do. Make me stronger! Hey! I'm not saying stress is better than gold but it's easier to find.

Here and Now

Thank God it's Friday already!! I can't wait to wake up tomorrow at 11... Yeah, I'm a better person when a get a good night of sleep. Well, I heard we all are and it's true that generally we don't get enough sleep. The problem is we lack hours for doing all we are supposed to do in a day... 

Since they called me back from the lovely law firm I want to go work with called me it's not even a problem of finding the time but about keeping my mind quiet and focus on where she should be. It doesn't matter how tired I am if she is worried she won't let me sleep. My head can be a bitch because she will stay up and it might be it's not even to think about a solution it could be about saving the tropical forest, solving diplomatic problems or...pretty much everything. 

What I usually do is repeat one of my favorite Bikram Yoga Mantra Here and now. What I ask my mind to do is to be in the moment. It relates to the fact that sometimes we spend a lot of times thinking about the future, when it's not there yet and therefore we forget to enjoy the present. And others we obsess about the future, what will happened after and we forget to enjoy the present. And the problem is that by forgetting the present you can miss out on a lot: good or bad. 

And if you are going to say why would anyone like to live consciously a bad thing... I'll have to say because it's part of ours paths. Work for the day: assume and make peace with this. 

To care or not to care.

They say rough times either kill you or make you stronger. I can't tell what they're doing to me. This week is been intense, in two days I had people crying on the phone. Amazingly enough I felt nothing, I was mostly annoyed. When did this happen? I used to empathize with everyone around me. I guess you could consider it a problem sometimes because I couldn't help of feeling sorry and think about others people problems. But this "problem" was also a good thing, I was a good listener and it showed I cared (and that I had feelings).

Is it possible that I'm now immune to the suffering of the others? I hope not because the answer to my question will then have to be KILL. To me not caring about the others equals being dead inside (and I don't want to be dead!) No amount of suffering could make you forget that there are others also suffering. It's necessary to acknowledge that because if you don't you might become selfish and self-centered. 

After discussing this with my lovey-dovey he says it's probably because I'm getting used to do my job, I don't think it's a very good excuse. I think as part of my job I need to be able to stay connected to the people. But he's grateful I'm taking distance with other's people problems. 

Two points of view... But I need to feel good about myself so I'll work on it. 

Mind over body

I'm here! I'm here! Sorry! I've been busy with a new client and trying to stay calmed after getting a phone call from an interesting law firm asking if I was interested on working with them... I couldn't tell her I'm interested on working period. I'm not picky anymore! She said they still had a couple of candidates and they will let me know in the following days... Basically the call meant nothing; they are just considering hiring me, which I honestly knew before they called. So here I am, no news but hell-a-nervous.

So what I'm doing is basically trying to do is stay busy. Driving, organizing the house, exercising... And I guess it explains why I am soooooo tired. Because I am exhausted! And this weekend I won't be at home resting, we are visiting my in-laws. I wish we could postpone it but my father in law was given bad news regarding his health and I think being with him will comfort him. 

As a result of everything my neck is out, I can't really move it to the left. And my leg hurts, but it won't stop me from doing what I do. The neck situation is my body telling me my stress is unhealthy and the only way I know to control it is thru sports. And because of that my leg is out. My plan is to ignore everything and just keep going. I know they say you should listen to your body but in this case my soul needs something else, and I rather please my mind than my body. Your body can not get used to receive all he asks for... It's true for sugar cravings, hunger, and physical need of buying new shoes... But you can't give in to those! My mantra is *Mind over body* I learned it in my hot yoga class and I'm sticking to it!

Anxiety avoidance tip

Sometimes life isn't fair. But today I'm not gonna think about it, I'm going to focus on going back home for the weekend. I can't wait to have that warm feeling when entering the house where I grew up in. All the memories that sets on every room.I might let myself be nostalgic, just for the weekend. I'll take the train, enjoy the yummy sandwiches, read my book, annoy my husband while he sleeps... And hug my mother very closely. 

Anxiety can come from different situations, a job interview, an exam, a social situation, having to leave again at the end of the weekend the house you grew up in and where everything is beautiful and organized and where you don't need to explain every penny you spend... I find it usefull in this cases to do the mental exercise I just did, imaging you are in fact in that moment. How you will arrive to the place, what kind of questions they can ask you, the type of situation you might get yourself into... even the face of the persons, what you will be wearing... Recreate the details of the event that creates the anxious feeling.

It's possible that only by thinking about it it will make you nervious, well good. That way you will avoid that feeling when the event takes place because in your head you will have lived that situation before. It will make it easier and less scary. It only takes a few minutes, concentrate, recreate the situation in an enviroment that makes you feel safe. I assure you when the event comes it will less awkward, scary and unexpected.

MY Guardian Angel

My dad had few issues with money in life. During his last days he had to be extremely careful with his expenses but he manage to always support my family and he paid for my education, including three years of studies in Paris. 

A few months after he passed away I was trying to get my finances in order when my banker told me my dad had open a bank account for me a few years ago. I started to cry and the poor guy couldn't understand why, he thought he was giving me great news. At that moment I could only think about my father, making such a huge effort to make sure I had some financial stability. I realize then there are no limits to the love a father has for their kids.

As you know I don't make any money where I am and we are having a hard time dealing with a lot of expenses since we got married. A couple of weeks ago I receive a letter from a different bank informing me they were going to charge me for some account opened under my name. I didn't knew I had an account there so I went there and found out I had another surprise from my dad. 

My dad keeps taking care of me two years after he is gone. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such a guardian angel. I should be happy, I'm working on that. I'm just in shock for now and terribly missing him. I know at any moment I will burst into tears..

SPORT !

I'm expecting a call from the law firm I had the job interview a couple of weeks ago so I take my phone everywhere I go, I never turn it off and every time it rings my heart stops for a second (then I see it's my mother and my heartbeat goes back to normal)...

I'm trying to stay busy, and I am! I'm working on my current law firm website update, my driver’s license and I'm going to the gym every day. Yeah I decided it will be part of my "building an awesome life" have a slightly better body. I know it will never be a killer body; I never had even when I was a member of the national fencing team and trained for 2 hours every single day, even on the weekends. So that's that for expectations on my body but even if all the exercise I do doesn't change my body I've already told you it changes my humor. 

Sport has the ability of making you happy, apparently because of endorphins or whatever (I'm not a doctor, I don't like them I don't really want to know about chemical reactions inside my brain...) And it's addictive! Seriously, I bet if you start you won't be able to stop!! You might even feel the need of trying new sports. I'm not going to lie, my muscles are seriously sore but this muscular pain makes me feel good and I embrace it. 

Money, power and papers....

My brother was on the papers today. He is currently working in a great possition, awesome enough to be on the papers... I am proud of him, so proud... But I can't ignore a strange feeling, some might say I'm jelous, I'm not... It's just that we've been having money issues with my dad's inheritance and he didn't help at all. At all. And it's so clear that he could have helped...

I wonder why you want all that power, all that money if you can't use it to make the life of people around you better, or easier... To me it's sad...

On a different note my wisdom teeth are killing me!! I actually had a dream where I begged the dentist to pull them out already and I have a patological fear of dentist!!! The antibiotics have kicked in and I can open my mouth a few more centimetres but it stel hurts when I swallow. 

My husband will take care of me after the intervention, and I'm scared!!! His deffinition of taking care is making me laugh but it hurts!! Last night he couldn't help himself and I kept asking him to stop... I gotta love him for being like that. Although I might kill during the weekend, I'll let you know!

Take care!!

The Roses and the Sun

Good morning guys!! Today is a beautiful day, I say it with a big smile. You may wonder why... Because the sun is shining!! Sunny days make me soooo happy. The light that colors the streets and chasing the sunny spots make my day.

So today I'm reaching high level of being positive! I have so many reasons to be thankful for... Nothing is perfect and I'm comforted by that. None of us are protected from deception, pain, suffering (yeah girl, way to be positive) but the fact that we are here, that you are reading this means we are also strong and powerful. You might not see it; I didn't when I was in a dark place.

I remember when I finally realized I wanted to have a better life. I didn't want a life directed by depression but of course it's easier said than done. Not only from the psychological side of it but because my health insurance was taking too long to answer my request to assume the medical expenses of the treatment. I couldn't wait, so I decide to try doing a simple exercise, write down a positive thing about the day I had. 

It helped me get things into perspective and allowed me to recreate that good thing that had happen to me. Some days it was hard to find something to write down. I had to make an effort to block my bad feelings and dark thoughts and ask my mind to find something beautiful and describe it. That time I spent thinking about that great thing brought me so much peace.

I woke up today and saw a picture of a gorgeous woman smelling a rose and it made me think that I have been absorbed by the terrifying daily routine and forgot to stop and smell the roses. I have to get back on track. Of course roses are only an allegory; it's really about enjoying the good we have around. None of us is save from pain or suffering, in fact I can guarantee you will have to go thru those, and that's why we need to make an effort and emphasize on the good stuff. 

Miranda Kerr, smelling the roses

Going back to therapy (also known as going back to the gym)

Hello Hello! Sport has always been important in my life. I grew up being in the national fencing team and after I had to quit in order to pursue other dreams I started skiing, sailing, joined a gym... I was actually able to keep up with my exercise while visiting my dad in the hospital daily. Which only proves my point, if you really want it, you make it happen. 

What I adore about sports is the feeling after a workout. No matter what happens, even if you are playing a tennis match and you miserably lose to your opponent it doesn't matter. At least your heart beat increased, your muscles stretched and have sweat running down your face and it's such a satisfying feeling.

When I went to therapy one of my doctors recommendations was to force myself to stay active. I couldn't agree more. If you are going thru something take at least 30 minutes of the day, preferably those you will spent sitting down overthinking, and go for a run, or just a fast walk. You will see a change and feel it too (in your mind and your body). 

Last year I started Bikram Yoga, which is a yoga you practice at 40º degrees and it first kicks your ass but then you feel soooo good. Back then I could only afford one day a week but it was a moment of peace combined with a high intensity sport. I absolutely loved it, but moving to a smaller city meant a change of habits.

Arriving here I thought at least I will be able to keep my gym rhythm, which basically meant go to everybody combat class possible. Well, surprise surprise, only one gym here caries Les Mills program. The gym was excellent but they only had one class of body combat and the location is not so great because you must take the car to get there (and find a spot to park).

I couldn't care less... I made some research, the math and convinced my husband to join in. We did it and I couldn't wait for combat (which is today) so I started with Zumba. I had a blast! I don't think I really burn that much but I founded myself inhibited and I'm sure being arrhythmic I actually didn't do it that bad.

I was surprised by the amount of people in the class! And from all ages (I was probably the youngest)! Today I'm going back, this time for body combat, I can't wait!!