Grateful for

Things I’m grateful for:

1.- Falling sleep every night with my husband’s arms around me.

2.- Having the best girlfriend in the worlds about to become a mother. I’m dying to meet baby-bean as she calls him and to see the extraordinary mum she’s going to be. She makes me proud for so many reasons.

3.- Knowing my mum is only a phone call away and also a plane ride away.

4.- Being able to seat by the sea during my lunch break.

5.- Work, an exciting one, and having an everyday purpose in life.

 

Mind over body

I'm here! I'm here! Sorry! I've been busy with a new client and trying to stay calmed after getting a phone call from an interesting law firm asking if I was interested on working with them... I couldn't tell her I'm interested on working period. I'm not picky anymore! She said they still had a couple of candidates and they will let me know in the following days... Basically the call meant nothing; they are just considering hiring me, which I honestly knew before they called. So here I am, no news but hell-a-nervous.

So what I'm doing is basically trying to do is stay busy. Driving, organizing the house, exercising... And I guess it explains why I am soooooo tired. Because I am exhausted! And this weekend I won't be at home resting, we are visiting my in-laws. I wish we could postpone it but my father in law was given bad news regarding his health and I think being with him will comfort him. 

As a result of everything my neck is out, I can't really move it to the left. And my leg hurts, but it won't stop me from doing what I do. The neck situation is my body telling me my stress is unhealthy and the only way I know to control it is thru sports. And because of that my leg is out. My plan is to ignore everything and just keep going. I know they say you should listen to your body but in this case my soul needs something else, and I rather please my mind than my body. Your body can not get used to receive all he asks for... It's true for sugar cravings, hunger, and physical need of buying new shoes... But you can't give in to those! My mantra is *Mind over body* I learned it in my hot yoga class and I'm sticking to it!

Anxiety avoidance tip

Sometimes life isn't fair. But today I'm not gonna think about it, I'm going to focus on going back home for the weekend. I can't wait to have that warm feeling when entering the house where I grew up in. All the memories that sets on every room.I might let myself be nostalgic, just for the weekend. I'll take the train, enjoy the yummy sandwiches, read my book, annoy my husband while he sleeps... And hug my mother very closely. 

Anxiety can come from different situations, a job interview, an exam, a social situation, having to leave again at the end of the weekend the house you grew up in and where everything is beautiful and organized and where you don't need to explain every penny you spend... I find it usefull in this cases to do the mental exercise I just did, imaging you are in fact in that moment. How you will arrive to the place, what kind of questions they can ask you, the type of situation you might get yourself into... even the face of the persons, what you will be wearing... Recreate the details of the event that creates the anxious feeling.

It's possible that only by thinking about it it will make you nervious, well good. That way you will avoid that feeling when the event takes place because in your head you will have lived that situation before. It will make it easier and less scary. It only takes a few minutes, concentrate, recreate the situation in an enviroment that makes you feel safe. I assure you when the event comes it will less awkward, scary and unexpected.

The "I-Dont'-Care" lie

It's difficult to some to share their feelings. Sometimes it's because they're shy, or they think it's a sign ok weakness. I was in the first category, then my world turned upside-down and I can hardly find my feelings. When I was in therapy the doctor told me I had to make an effort to express things, apparently I'm (or was, IDK) the kind of person who puts everyone needs before others. I have made "I don't care" my mantra, not because I didn't really care but because I was fine doing what others wanted to do. 

For instance, when it came down to choose what personal belongings we wanted from my dad I let my brother and sister choose first. I told my therapist I was ok with it and she wasn't surprised. She asked me if we had something else to choose from, and I said the paintings. She gave me an assignment: I had to choose first. I couldn't. I realized right then that I didn't have control over my life; I was just leaving the way others made me do it. Was it to avoid conflict? To make everyone happy? If it's the first reason I'm screwed as a lawyer. If it's the second, I'm retarded. It's impossible to make everyone happy, someone always will not be ok with your decision or path or whatever. And how the hell will you make anyone happy if you’re miserable? So after careful considerations I made the list of the paintings I loved the most. Not because of the value but because they brought up memories (when I was decorating our home the first thing I putted up was a picture of my parents. I picture that I love so much, they look so happy and my dad was so handsome...). 

I understood that inheritances are painful, and sometimes material things might not seam important at that moment, but if you don't pay attention to those things there is a big chance that you'll regret it in the future. I want my future kids to have something from his grandfather so they can remember him. 

Long talks

At pretty much the same time I was pressing "publish" for the last post I realized I needed a looooong conversation with my husband. Where's the point of writing this down and live it to no use? So that's how we spend our evening. It wasn't the most pleasant time, but it felt so great to lift that pain off my shoulders. We shared things that were making our marriage suck and made the commitment of working on the things that are annoying about us. What we said to each other, might be hurtful but we were careful to use a regular tone (no screaming allowed) bad words were left aside and everything we said was because it had to be said. 

We started by exposing what things were bothering us. Then the other had a moment to answer to those "accusations" and finally we moved on to possible solutions. They were tears, I cry all the time, sometimes for no reason. But it had to be said, we needed to say those things, it was a burden slowing us up. 

It is my believe that getting married is a forever commitment so every problem, every fight is something we are forced to overcome. We know none of us thinks about jumping the boat under any circumstance so there is a double consequence: the sense of security and a huge responsibility. Sense of security because you know you can screw it up because he has my back. This only works if it's equal for both parties. And the huge responsibility of being the best version of yourself in order to avoid making each others life hell. 

Today he cooked for me, I cooked for him. We laughed and kissed. 

Yee-pee

I'll be happy for the weekend to start but we'll be spending it with my in laws. Yep, not excited honestly. They are great persons, it's just that I like being at home, with my sheets and my bathroom... I don't like the attention nor the comments about how a good house keeper should behave because secretly she makes me feel bad for firmly believe when both partners are working, housekeeping becomes a shared task. I refuse to work at the office, and at home so he can read his paper confortably. We both contribute and that's it!

I guess it's a generation thing, she is the age of my grandmother and me grandmother even pealed of the fruits for my grandfather... I refuse to do that! And I won't do it with my kids if I ever have one... I could understand when one of the familly members is not working, then it should be his job, boy or girl. 

Weekends and get aways

Exciting news!!! It's raining again... And I'm wearing black!!! I don't know why! It just happened.. I was on a hurry today and I forgot about my resolutions. It probably means I haven't interiorized the whole program but I'm not giving up!!

The weekend was amazing. We decided to pack our bags and get to know a little more about the area where we are leaving so off we went. Narrow roads, wineries along the road, small villages... And finally we made it to the hotel:

Our hotel was a monastery until the XIXth when the government decided to confiscated a lot of the properties belonging to the Catholic Church. The building is beautiful and they made such a wonderful job making it a hotel and mixing old and new trends in deco. 

As for the view... What can I say?? I have no words to describe it...We got to hike around and took a boat to see the mountains from a different point of view and it made us feel so small. And it made me think, those mountains, those trees, they will remain long after I leave this world but they'll be there. Our time here is limited and therefore we need to make the most of it. Assume we will suffer, assume we will laugh, assume we might not have it all, assume life is a constant fight and that it's ok to stop and rest a few minutes. It's ok as long as after the rest we go back to the game and fight the hell out of life. 

Grandparents

Sorry for missing a few days.. It was my husband's b-day and I wanted to make something special. He is not used to celebrate things but since I had my breakdown I decided to celebrate every little thing worth celebrating... And 35 years are definitively worth celebrating!!

The best part was baking my grandmothers lemon cake... It actually brought back a lot of memories and made me wish I had known my grandparents better. I find grandparents have such a strong responsibility on keeping the family together. They always manage to make the brothers and sisters come together. Unfortunately since my grandparents passed away when I was a kid and I've seen the difference between how Christmas or any other important holidays were celebrated... 

Do you have a good relationship with your grandparents? My advice? Get to spend as much time as you can with them...