Certificates and stupid questions

Oh, Am I pissed..?!?! I've never been treated like that before... Let me explain, you will understand. Before you can get your driver’s license you need a doctor to analyze if you might have any kind of physical or psychological which will make you unsuitable for driving. 

One of the questions was if I had visited a psychiatrist or psychologist in the last 5 years, I answered yes because it's true and because I'm not ashamed. I needed help, it was very painful to admit it but I did it and somehow, even before going to the doctor my cured had started just by asking for help. The woman went crazy, all alarms went off, they put me in a separate room and they had I psychologist asking questions about how often I wanted to kill myself. 

I was released from treatment 11 months ago. It was hard, it was (as it is now) a fight but I manage to do it. Even in the deepest moments I never had the intention of killing myself, not even once. She made me go back to that time where getting out of bed was painful and honestly I don't think it was necessary. They made me feel weak, and ashamed... But only for a minute. 

I decided I wasn't going to give them the power of ruining my day, of ruining the experience of getting my driver’s license, which is something I'm enjoying a lot. Having a psychological decease is not something to be ashamed off. I believe there is still a stigma about psychological deceases. Absurd, isn't it? I don't think I'm any different from any other person with a physical condition... We both needed doctors, meds, support... 

I left with the freaking certificate but I'm never going back there. 

Big black dog

Have you seen the video about depression compared to a black dog? Here, highly recommended: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

Well for a couple of days my dog has been growing... And last night was bad. It was one of those nights when I was exhausted but I couldn't manage to fall sleep. All I was able to do was crying. I guess I'm overwhelmed by having left a decent job, moved to a different city where after 4 months I haven't met anyone, losing my economic independence and stability, feeling lost, alone, not appreciated, stupid, annoying... It started like that and then my head decided to go down memory lane and awful memories came to town.

I woke up feeling like shit (at least I managed to sleep 4 hours), got up, dressed up... I did everything in my "get better program" relating to external appearance: dress-nicely-wear-make-up (you know my theory on how external appearances might lead to change the way you fell inside)... Today it's not working. Someday I don't manage to make things work, It's one of those so at this point I'm just hoping it will go fast. 

Stay strong, Fight! 

Weekends and get aways

Exciting news!!! It's raining again... And I'm wearing black!!! I don't know why! It just happened.. I was on a hurry today and I forgot about my resolutions. It probably means I haven't interiorized the whole program but I'm not giving up!!

The weekend was amazing. We decided to pack our bags and get to know a little more about the area where we are leaving so off we went. Narrow roads, wineries along the road, small villages... And finally we made it to the hotel:

Our hotel was a monastery until the XIXth when the government decided to confiscated a lot of the properties belonging to the Catholic Church. The building is beautiful and they made such a wonderful job making it a hotel and mixing old and new trends in deco. 

As for the view... What can I say?? I have no words to describe it...We got to hike around and took a boat to see the mountains from a different point of view and it made us feel so small. And it made me think, those mountains, those trees, they will remain long after I leave this world but they'll be there. Our time here is limited and therefore we need to make the most of it. Assume we will suffer, assume we will laugh, assume we might not have it all, assume life is a constant fight and that it's ok to stop and rest a few minutes. It's ok as long as after the rest we go back to the game and fight the hell out of life. 

Job interviews

I didn't get much sleep last night. I kept waking up every 20-30 minutes thinking I was going to be late for a job interview, 2º in two months. The interview will take place in a city 30 minutes away from where I'm living and after carefull considerations I decided to take the bus because I noticed last time the train got there late and I didn't wanted to take any chances. 

The bus left on time, I was feeling great. Pretty calmed after repeating to me for hours it wasn't a big deal. All my Zen went out the window when I saw the bus station sooooo far away from down town and I only had 30 minutes to get there...on hills...I panicked and jumped into a cab (shit people! I'm on a budget here!). 

I got there on time, happy and excited. The building was amazing, beautifully renovated keeping the right parts of the old construction. The Office seemed great, clean, elegant... The interview will take place by webcam, I sat down, took my papers out, got mentally prepared and suddenly...noises everywhere, they were protesting in front of a bank. It was very annoying and hard to understand what they were saying but I managed just fine. At the end of the interview she wanted to check on my English skills (English is not my maternal language which I'm sure it's something you had already picked up on). Oh my! For some reason whenever I switch to English I need to turn the volume up... I couldn't hear a thing!! Luckily she didn't take it as some random excuse to avoid speaking in English and she decided to call the office and continue by phone. 

Long story short... I left there happy and relaxed. She said she will give her feed back to the office manager and let me know if they were interested on having a second interview. She call me just a few hours later, I'm having that meeting on Wednesday. If they like me...no no no no no... No ifs... I'm going to work hard on the interview and be myself. I hope I can find a place to learn and grow. 

Rocks and Cords

I'm a big fan of the tv show 2 broke girls. It's one of the few shows that makes me laugh and not just smile. In one of the episodes Sophie (acted out by Jennifer Coolidge -also known as Stifler's mom-) tells Max (interpreted by the super hot Kate Dennings) she was like a balloon being attached to a rock that wouldn't let her fly and be the best version of her. To Sophie that rock was Caroline and Max was supposed to cut that cord in order to prosper and be happier.

Although I couldn't disagree more in this case, those two are mutual support systems, I've seen balloons unable to fly because of rocks in real life. Rocks that might be holding us back for a good reason or for no reason, forever or just for a few days…

It comes a moment in your life were your circle of friends becomes more and more exclusive. You learn the distinction between real friends and a walking by person. I think it's because you know yourself better, you have -they have- tested your friendship, and at some point you had to decide who will stay in your life. 

This process was very painful. I used to have a very good friend but I guess we grew up and didn't want to realize it. We turned out so different... We tried to hold on to each other but he was forced, nothing felt organic or natural around us anymore. We tried talking about it; make an effort to stay close. We couldn't do it, we said goodbye although we see each other quite often we know we are better off. I'm surprise I can even write about it. I cried so much over this process...Regardless, it was the best decision I could make. I run into her from time to time, we are very polite but we don't like to pretend so we go in a different way after hellos. 

My point is, don't let people control your life or worst, suck the life out of you. People can be exhausting so think if they are worth crying for. Is your friendship a give and take? Is it balanced? If the answer is yes, fight for it. If not I'll say cut the cord.