Suicide and Depression

            I have put a lot of thought about this post… I didn’t know if it’s too early to talk about it but I think it’s important regardless how hard it’s going to be because of the relation between depression and suicide.

            First, I would like to say that I never had the urge of putting an end to my suffering. Some refer to this as “not being brave enough”… I personally think brave is the one that keeps fighting, quitters can’t be called brave. And for those saying admitting a defeat takes courage I’ll say life can only defeat you with death, surrender before is not an act to be proud of.

            I’ve red pretty upsetting comments about people “supporting” Robin Williams choice. I’m sure they didn’t go thru depression because one thing I know for sure is that it wasn’t my choice to not being able to smile for days, incapable of getting out of bed or feeling constantly miserable… It wasn’t his choice to kill him, it was his disease. Depression is a serious and common disease and it happens to work like any other. You don’t choose to be depressed the same way you don’t choose to have diabetes.

            Reading this sort of things I realize how strong the stigma of depression remains. People still comment on others if they happen to know someone was going to therapy, and then it all gets crazy if they happen to go to the psychiatrist. I find it repulsing. Will you ever judge someone for going to the doctor? Or a cancer patient for receiving Chimo? I don’t think so… So why is it that we had to put up with judgments for admitting we needed professional help and for making everything in our hands for getting better?

            I don’t know what kept Robin from reaching out. I understand shame could be it, but I hope it wasn’t that being surrounded by people no one was patient enough to see what was hiding behind his smile.

Walls !

I used to think crying was a symptom of weakness. Then my life changed and I realized I wasn't able to control me and I would cry for the most unexpected reasons. I didn't cry with any movie, not even Bambi when I was a kid. After 2012 I discover Kleenex were a must when going to the movies. But it wasn't only the movies, it was everything. I guess I became a sensitive person, or that my show-feelings-control systems was shacked to a core. 

The thing is that working on rebuilding me I wanted to start again on my anti-cry wall but it turns out I couldn't. That was until yesterday. After all the emotions (and two failed attempts of killing my driver’s license teacher) I was feeling the anxiety attack coming, I could feel it in my stomach, my chest, my heart... So I immediately grabbed my sawing kit and start over a decoration project I had in mind in order to focus on something else. Then my husband made it home and all that pressure turned into the need of crying. 

I decided it was now or never. Crying will not express a feeling, the message was out, I wasn't even supposed to be sad! I really don't know how but I laid the first brick down, tiers stayed in for the night. In exchange I stayed up almost all night (I believe this is related not to the tiers thing but to the almost anxiety attack...) 

Rebuilding stuff is hard, but always keep in mind it is an opportunity to include all the changes you might need in order to live better. 

Certificates and stupid questions

Oh, Am I pissed..?!?! I've never been treated like that before... Let me explain, you will understand. Before you can get your driver’s license you need a doctor to analyze if you might have any kind of physical or psychological which will make you unsuitable for driving. 

One of the questions was if I had visited a psychiatrist or psychologist in the last 5 years, I answered yes because it's true and because I'm not ashamed. I needed help, it was very painful to admit it but I did it and somehow, even before going to the doctor my cured had started just by asking for help. The woman went crazy, all alarms went off, they put me in a separate room and they had I psychologist asking questions about how often I wanted to kill myself. 

I was released from treatment 11 months ago. It was hard, it was (as it is now) a fight but I manage to do it. Even in the deepest moments I never had the intention of killing myself, not even once. She made me go back to that time where getting out of bed was painful and honestly I don't think it was necessary. They made me feel weak, and ashamed... But only for a minute. 

I decided I wasn't going to give them the power of ruining my day, of ruining the experience of getting my driver’s license, which is something I'm enjoying a lot. Having a psychological decease is not something to be ashamed off. I believe there is still a stigma about psychological deceases. Absurd, isn't it? I don't think I'm any different from any other person with a physical condition... We both needed doctors, meds, support... 

I left with the freaking certificate but I'm never going back there. 

Fooooood

What helps you when you are sad? In my case it used to be sports, then eating and then shopping depending on how old I was. If I only had money... So I'm eating like a crazy person... So I'm getting fat as we speak... And I don't want to but I'm hopeless.. I'm wondering how I'll get out of this one...

Big black dog

Have you seen the video about depression compared to a black dog? Here, highly recommended: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

Well for a couple of days my dog has been growing... And last night was bad. It was one of those nights when I was exhausted but I couldn't manage to fall sleep. All I was able to do was crying. I guess I'm overwhelmed by having left a decent job, moved to a different city where after 4 months I haven't met anyone, losing my economic independence and stability, feeling lost, alone, not appreciated, stupid, annoying... It started like that and then my head decided to go down memory lane and awful memories came to town.

I woke up feeling like shit (at least I managed to sleep 4 hours), got up, dressed up... I did everything in my "get better program" relating to external appearance: dress-nicely-wear-make-up (you know my theory on how external appearances might lead to change the way you fell inside)... Today it's not working. Someday I don't manage to make things work, It's one of those so at this point I'm just hoping it will go fast. 

Stay strong, Fight! 

Weekends and get aways

Exciting news!!! It's raining again... And I'm wearing black!!! I don't know why! It just happened.. I was on a hurry today and I forgot about my resolutions. It probably means I haven't interiorized the whole program but I'm not giving up!!

The weekend was amazing. We decided to pack our bags and get to know a little more about the area where we are leaving so off we went. Narrow roads, wineries along the road, small villages... And finally we made it to the hotel:

Our hotel was a monastery until the XIXth when the government decided to confiscated a lot of the properties belonging to the Catholic Church. The building is beautiful and they made such a wonderful job making it a hotel and mixing old and new trends in deco. 

As for the view... What can I say?? I have no words to describe it...We got to hike around and took a boat to see the mountains from a different point of view and it made us feel so small. And it made me think, those mountains, those trees, they will remain long after I leave this world but they'll be there. Our time here is limited and therefore we need to make the most of it. Assume we will suffer, assume we will laugh, assume we might not have it all, assume life is a constant fight and that it's ok to stop and rest a few minutes. It's ok as long as after the rest we go back to the game and fight the hell out of life. 

Lighthouses and laundry

I met my husband in Paris. It was my last year of college, he was visiting a friend. We spoke for 4 hours, when he tried to kiss me I panicked (I just ended a 3 year relationship and wasn't ready at all) but instead of running I listened to my gut and decided to meet him the day after for a walk around Montmartre. 

He had to go back to his life I was sure that was it for us. He sounded waaaay too good to be true, ironically he thought the same about me but he was ready to bet for us and convinced me and insisted to come back the next month. From that weekend it became very clear what we had could be something great so he invited me back to where he lived. Every time I went visit him we found a minute to visit a lighthouse and ended up in love with lighthouses. 

We love to visit lighthouses because they’re usually in remote places so most of the time we need to hike to get there so not only you get to enjoy the see at the end of the road but also the land, the trees and the sun on your way there. 

So yesterday we packed our lunch and grabbed our coats and reconnected with our old obsession. It was a great day; we saw 3 lighthouses, loved them and enjoyed the sun and the see. 

Today I went back to work (how uncool it is to work for free?) smiling. I forgot about my ebay misfortune and shitty situation... And as I was concentrating on walking with my high heels I received a call, they reestablished my ebay account and I was back in business. 

My suggestion for the day is go back to your basics. What used to make you happy? I found out this things are usually what we call "small things" such as taking photographs, read a good book, paint, write.... Simple things that we stop doing because we there aren't enough hours in a day. Find a moment and instead of doing laundry go for it! Dirty clothes can wait; make your happiness an obligation and a priority.  

Allowing the others

I was driving back home with my husband today and he was very upset about a mistake I colleague made and ended up affecting him. He kept going on and on and on about how this will affect his credibility, how sure he was the client will leave... And I kept giving him what I thought were good solutions to the problems. To every solution he responded with a negative comment.

It was pretty obvious he didn't want to see a solution but I needed to make a little experiment (Hello, I'm Isabel and I'm a bad wife). I can assure I wasn't telling him how he is supposed to do his job, I know nothing about it, and all I was talking about was regarding costumer care and internal marketing. 

I presented an excellent plan for solving the whole thing which he quickly refused. I changed to subject to my blooming new business and all he had to say about it was negative (I took a pen to write everything down in order to avoid making any faux pas). My last attempt to keep the conversation flowing today was to say good things about him... how nice he is, how cute, how funny... He stopped me right there. I gave up and we made it home safely. 

The point of telling you about this is because some of you are also going thru raugh times and are feeling down, sad or you are dealing with depression. Sometimes all this things manage to make us forget that there is always a solution. Don't let fear or pain be the cloud hiding the sun. Don't allow tears blurry your goals. And in those days where the fear, the pain or the tears are wining the battle listen to the people around you, let their perspective pull you out of your misery by keeping an open mind. 

The Roses and the Sun

Good morning guys!! Today is a beautiful day, I say it with a big smile. You may wonder why... Because the sun is shining!! Sunny days make me soooo happy. The light that colors the streets and chasing the sunny spots make my day.

So today I'm reaching high level of being positive! I have so many reasons to be thankful for... Nothing is perfect and I'm comforted by that. None of us are protected from deception, pain, suffering (yeah girl, way to be positive) but the fact that we are here, that you are reading this means we are also strong and powerful. You might not see it; I didn't when I was in a dark place.

I remember when I finally realized I wanted to have a better life. I didn't want a life directed by depression but of course it's easier said than done. Not only from the psychological side of it but because my health insurance was taking too long to answer my request to assume the medical expenses of the treatment. I couldn't wait, so I decide to try doing a simple exercise, write down a positive thing about the day I had. 

It helped me get things into perspective and allowed me to recreate that good thing that had happen to me. Some days it was hard to find something to write down. I had to make an effort to block my bad feelings and dark thoughts and ask my mind to find something beautiful and describe it. That time I spent thinking about that great thing brought me so much peace.

I woke up today and saw a picture of a gorgeous woman smelling a rose and it made me think that I have been absorbed by the terrifying daily routine and forgot to stop and smell the roses. I have to get back on track. Of course roses are only an allegory; it's really about enjoying the good we have around. None of us is save from pain or suffering, in fact I can guarantee you will have to go thru those, and that's why we need to make an effort and emphasize on the good stuff. 

Miranda Kerr, smelling the roses

Doctors... oh my!

Helloooooo! Big news, I went to the doctor yesterday, an eye doctor. I felt like I had something in my eye... Turns out I had nothing but what could be the "dry eye syndrome". He sent my to an specialist and I might have a autoimmune disease which means my body is attacking himself... Wow... What a beautifull irony. I've been psochologically atacking me and now that I'm mostly fine, my body starts doing crazy thing.

The sickness is called the sjorgen syndrome. There are two types, one mostly unconfortable and the other one is related to veeeeery scaaaaaary stronger autoimmune deceases I rather not mention. So far the doctors think it's probably the not so scary because of the non external signs but I have to go on monday for a blood test.

I think I need to say I hate doctors ever since what happend to my dad. I think what happened to me yesterday was my biggest fear come true. Go to the doctor for a regular visit or something stupit like I think I have a peace of shit in my eyer, and leave with cancer. Ok, not cancer but autoimmune. Potato, potatoe.

I now I have to wait for the results but I'm scared as hell. I can't help it.

Going back to therapy (also known as going back to the gym)

Hello Hello! Sport has always been important in my life. I grew up being in the national fencing team and after I had to quit in order to pursue other dreams I started skiing, sailing, joined a gym... I was actually able to keep up with my exercise while visiting my dad in the hospital daily. Which only proves my point, if you really want it, you make it happen. 

What I adore about sports is the feeling after a workout. No matter what happens, even if you are playing a tennis match and you miserably lose to your opponent it doesn't matter. At least your heart beat increased, your muscles stretched and have sweat running down your face and it's such a satisfying feeling.

When I went to therapy one of my doctors recommendations was to force myself to stay active. I couldn't agree more. If you are going thru something take at least 30 minutes of the day, preferably those you will spent sitting down overthinking, and go for a run, or just a fast walk. You will see a change and feel it too (in your mind and your body). 

Last year I started Bikram Yoga, which is a yoga you practice at 40º degrees and it first kicks your ass but then you feel soooo good. Back then I could only afford one day a week but it was a moment of peace combined with a high intensity sport. I absolutely loved it, but moving to a smaller city meant a change of habits.

Arriving here I thought at least I will be able to keep my gym rhythm, which basically meant go to everybody combat class possible. Well, surprise surprise, only one gym here caries Les Mills program. The gym was excellent but they only had one class of body combat and the location is not so great because you must take the car to get there (and find a spot to park).

I couldn't care less... I made some research, the math and convinced my husband to join in. We did it and I couldn't wait for combat (which is today) so I started with Zumba. I had a blast! I don't think I really burn that much but I founded myself inhibited and I'm sure being arrhythmic I actually didn't do it that bad.

I was surprised by the amount of people in the class! And from all ages (I was probably the youngest)! Today I'm going back, this time for body combat, I can't wait!!

Introductions and life experience

Hi! I'm Me. Two years ago I had given up on myself. After my dad lost the battle to leukemia I was completely destroyed. 

The battle against cancer was fierce and my mum and I like to think myself made sure my dad wasn't alone on the battlefield. We actually won the first battle, he was able to go back home, eat all he wanted and live a normal life (I won't lie, the process was very hard on all of us but worth it every sweat drop of it). A few months later we lost the war and we lost me.

Besides for the fact of losing him which was obviously devastating I also made a new acquaintance, the postwar syndrome also known as depression. It took me way too long to ask for help but I'm glad I did, but I'm not glad I rushed into stopping the treatment because I realize now I wasn't ready. 

My doctors said it was a very common reaction. I wasn't comforted by that, actually nothing brought me comfort these days. When my dad went back to the hospital I remember going there at my lunch break to spend it with him. I spent most of my weekends with him. When he said goodbye I didn't know what to do at lunch or on weekends. 

It's so ironic. No one wants to live like that, but once you do you rather live it like that than go home without him. I miss him every day. I think about him so much. And the funny thing about it is we weren't that close before he got sick.

I struggle every day to be positive and overcome depression because the horrible thing about it is it never goes away. So I guess I keep fitting, it's just a different battlefield.

This blog is intended to by a safe place to people who can relate to my story. It could be a place to share our pain, our fears...but above all our victories. Because the war I lost that was enough losing for a lifetime. 

Care to join me?