Happy news

Today’s entry is probably one of the most specials… My best friends, my soul mate, my sister and one of the loves of my life is in labor. I’ll kill to be by her side right now, sharing this moment. I have told you about her multiple times… She got married 5 years ago and since then she’s been going thru so much… She has been suffering anxiety attacks and depression. I’m honored to say we fought that together. 

I remember when I first realized I needed professional help but was so scare to go to a consultation… I told her and I didn’t even asked her, she said she’ll pick me up from work. And so she did. We walked together to the doctors, we waited patiently, she held my hand and waited for me outside. She’s been every step of my recovery process.

One of her sources of pain and anxiety was having a baby. Today she is having a baby. All of her fears are gone; she is exited and can’t wait to see his little face. Neither can I. So far she is only 6 cms, epidural on and trying to get some rest. I didn’t call and I’m trying not to disturb every 5 minutes but it’s really hard. 

I pray for her and her baby to be Ok. I know they will be but just in case I made sure she understood I was by her side and that I loved her. It made us cry, but those are happy tears, well deserved ones if you ask me. These tears are a gift, they prove you can make it through anything. You can kick depression and anxiety if you keep fighting. As it turns out they’re weaker than what you thought.

Long talks

At pretty much the same time I was pressing "publish" for the last post I realized I needed a looooong conversation with my husband. Where's the point of writing this down and live it to no use? So that's how we spend our evening. It wasn't the most pleasant time, but it felt so great to lift that pain off my shoulders. We shared things that were making our marriage suck and made the commitment of working on the things that are annoying about us. What we said to each other, might be hurtful but we were careful to use a regular tone (no screaming allowed) bad words were left aside and everything we said was because it had to be said. 

We started by exposing what things were bothering us. Then the other had a moment to answer to those "accusations" and finally we moved on to possible solutions. They were tears, I cry all the time, sometimes for no reason. But it had to be said, we needed to say those things, it was a burden slowing us up. 

It is my believe that getting married is a forever commitment so every problem, every fight is something we are forced to overcome. We know none of us thinks about jumping the boat under any circumstance so there is a double consequence: the sense of security and a huge responsibility. Sense of security because you know you can screw it up because he has my back. This only works if it's equal for both parties. And the huge responsibility of being the best version of yourself in order to avoid making each others life hell. 

Today he cooked for me, I cooked for him. We laughed and kissed. 

Lighthouses and laundry

I met my husband in Paris. It was my last year of college, he was visiting a friend. We spoke for 4 hours, when he tried to kiss me I panicked (I just ended a 3 year relationship and wasn't ready at all) but instead of running I listened to my gut and decided to meet him the day after for a walk around Montmartre. 

He had to go back to his life I was sure that was it for us. He sounded waaaay too good to be true, ironically he thought the same about me but he was ready to bet for us and convinced me and insisted to come back the next month. From that weekend it became very clear what we had could be something great so he invited me back to where he lived. Every time I went visit him we found a minute to visit a lighthouse and ended up in love with lighthouses. 

We love to visit lighthouses because they’re usually in remote places so most of the time we need to hike to get there so not only you get to enjoy the see at the end of the road but also the land, the trees and the sun on your way there. 

So yesterday we packed our lunch and grabbed our coats and reconnected with our old obsession. It was a great day; we saw 3 lighthouses, loved them and enjoyed the sun and the see. 

Today I went back to work (how uncool it is to work for free?) smiling. I forgot about my ebay misfortune and shitty situation... And as I was concentrating on walking with my high heels I received a call, they reestablished my ebay account and I was back in business. 

My suggestion for the day is go back to your basics. What used to make you happy? I found out this things are usually what we call "small things" such as taking photographs, read a good book, paint, write.... Simple things that we stop doing because we there aren't enough hours in a day. Find a moment and instead of doing laundry go for it! Dirty clothes can wait; make your happiness an obligation and a priority.  

Introductions and life experience

Hi! I'm Me. Two years ago I had given up on myself. After my dad lost the battle to leukemia I was completely destroyed. 

The battle against cancer was fierce and my mum and I like to think myself made sure my dad wasn't alone on the battlefield. We actually won the first battle, he was able to go back home, eat all he wanted and live a normal life (I won't lie, the process was very hard on all of us but worth it every sweat drop of it). A few months later we lost the war and we lost me.

Besides for the fact of losing him which was obviously devastating I also made a new acquaintance, the postwar syndrome also known as depression. It took me way too long to ask for help but I'm glad I did, but I'm not glad I rushed into stopping the treatment because I realize now I wasn't ready. 

My doctors said it was a very common reaction. I wasn't comforted by that, actually nothing brought me comfort these days. When my dad went back to the hospital I remember going there at my lunch break to spend it with him. I spent most of my weekends with him. When he said goodbye I didn't know what to do at lunch or on weekends. 

It's so ironic. No one wants to live like that, but once you do you rather live it like that than go home without him. I miss him every day. I think about him so much. And the funny thing about it is we weren't that close before he got sick.

I struggle every day to be positive and overcome depression because the horrible thing about it is it never goes away. So I guess I keep fitting, it's just a different battlefield.

This blog is intended to by a safe place to people who can relate to my story. It could be a place to share our pain, our fears...but above all our victories. Because the war I lost that was enough losing for a lifetime. 

Care to join me?