Pretty me

Let me start with a song: “I am not a pretty girl that is not what I do. I’m no damsel in distress and I don’t need to be rescued”. 

I used to be a chubby, smart little girl. My parents although they had their concerns about my weight always focused on the importance of education. Since I was little I took extracurricular activities in order to become an intelligent person in the future. I hope it doesn’t sound tacky but I think I did well on that field and became an intelligent, interesting person to talk to. And it was because I worked hard. It also happened that I’m kind of cute…

To some, being pretty is a blessing; to me sometimes it’s a pain in the ass. Starting in college but mostly in my first job and even now I have to hear my colleagues making stupid assumptions. I remember one day I had hearing in court, I knew it will be tough because I had a lot of petitions  but I was ready, I had done my job and I could answer any questions and fight till I get want we needed in order to win this case. I had to face a very unprofessional judge who kept smiling at me, flirting with me before and after the hearing… But truly kept it serious during the hearing and I had to fight but he finally granted his permission to our demands.

When I came back to the office I explained my girl-colleagues how unprofessional this guy was before and after the hearing. The answer of one of them bugged me so much… “awesome, you manage to get it because your hot, good for you. I wish I could use my body to get people to agree on things”. The truth is I never thought he agreed to my petitions because he was interested on me until she said that. I told her her assumption bugged me and she couldn’t understand why it was so unsettling, she saw beauty as an asset. I do to but I don’t give a damn about external beauty, I’m more concern about what’s inside.

You might think I’m over reacting but I assure you this is not a onetime thing, it’s been like this for a long time. I could tell you about how an English colleague on his 70’s wrote a note for 86 lawyers about how meeting me was the most wonderful thing it happened to him and that the memory of me sipping a beer we’ll always accompany him… He didn’t mention a word on the article I had written… so it still bothers me sometimes. 

Today I went for coffee with the guys. They feel very free to say anything about everything in front of me and I appreciate that. Today the conversation was about how our the women at our firm were bug ugly, except me “of course, that’s out of the question, but you know that”. Right, because what you’re looking for in a lawyer is how pretty damn good he/she looks… Jesus!! You should see how (not) handsome these guys are. Funny, yes, smart, very, sexy hell no. And that’s ok for them, but not ok when it comes to us girls. 

Because you know, we have to be smart, pretty but not a lot so they won’t question why we manage to win a case, our nails and outfits should match at all times, must keep up with the news, the names of the clients and their nephews and at the same time make sure your being a great colleague and you remember the names of their wives, kids, dogs and where they were born.  

Long talks

At pretty much the same time I was pressing "publish" for the last post I realized I needed a looooong conversation with my husband. Where's the point of writing this down and live it to no use? So that's how we spend our evening. It wasn't the most pleasant time, but it felt so great to lift that pain off my shoulders. We shared things that were making our marriage suck and made the commitment of working on the things that are annoying about us. What we said to each other, might be hurtful but we were careful to use a regular tone (no screaming allowed) bad words were left aside and everything we said was because it had to be said. 

We started by exposing what things were bothering us. Then the other had a moment to answer to those "accusations" and finally we moved on to possible solutions. They were tears, I cry all the time, sometimes for no reason. But it had to be said, we needed to say those things, it was a burden slowing us up. 

It is my believe that getting married is a forever commitment so every problem, every fight is something we are forced to overcome. We know none of us thinks about jumping the boat under any circumstance so there is a double consequence: the sense of security and a huge responsibility. Sense of security because you know you can screw it up because he has my back. This only works if it's equal for both parties. And the huge responsibility of being the best version of yourself in order to avoid making each others life hell. 

Today he cooked for me, I cooked for him. We laughed and kissed. 

Frustation

Back to the routine, and back is the black dog... And what made him grow this time are the multiple arguments I have with my husband. 

We argue about money, he thinks you should save and save and save, which means we are in a situation where we can even buy the food we need. He says that's fine because we can accept all the food her mother cooks. First, it's very sad to me that two supposedly independent persons are depending on someone else's fridge, especially when it comes to a 70 year old woman's fridge. Then I have no control whatsoever on the things I want to eat because we have to base our menus on what she provides. Finally I find frozen food disgusting so I'm basically trying to eat healthy, without spending more than 20 € a week and let me tell you how complicated it is to fix a weekly menu (having to cook two different things for two persons). I think we should definitively save money, but not up to this point. 

Another matter we argue about is regarding how often we should visit or families. We go visit their parents once a month, so we've been there 4 times since we moved. We've been to my home 0, I went alone 1 time and then my mother came visit 1. The fact that he keeps complaining about only spending 3 days a month with them makes me want to slap him. I understand he wants to see them, but I want to see my mother as often as he does... Or even more, considering my mother is alone. No kids visiting her or taking care of her, no husband, no nothing!! I'm her only child, not only I feel responsible for leaving her alone, but I'm not even able to go visit her... Because of the f****** savings plan. 

And finally, something that's inside of my mind but I'm not telling him is how much I regret moving here. I gave up my live, my beautiful, huge, comfy home, my mother, a nice fulfilling secured job, my friends, the sun... for him. And he takes it for granted. I'm just part of his planned life, I don't even have a saying on any decisions. 

FRUSTATED 

Fooooood

What helps you when you are sad? In my case it used to be sports, then eating and then shopping depending on how old I was. If I only had money... So I'm eating like a crazy person... So I'm getting fat as we speak... And I don't want to but I'm hopeless.. I'm wondering how I'll get out of this one...

Big black dog

Have you seen the video about depression compared to a black dog? Here, highly recommended: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

Well for a couple of days my dog has been growing... And last night was bad. It was one of those nights when I was exhausted but I couldn't manage to fall sleep. All I was able to do was crying. I guess I'm overwhelmed by having left a decent job, moved to a different city where after 4 months I haven't met anyone, losing my economic independence and stability, feeling lost, alone, not appreciated, stupid, annoying... It started like that and then my head decided to go down memory lane and awful memories came to town.

I woke up feeling like shit (at least I managed to sleep 4 hours), got up, dressed up... I did everything in my "get better program" relating to external appearance: dress-nicely-wear-make-up (you know my theory on how external appearances might lead to change the way you fell inside)... Today it's not working. Someday I don't manage to make things work, It's one of those so at this point I'm just hoping it will go fast. 

Stay strong, Fight! 

Rocks and Cords

I'm a big fan of the tv show 2 broke girls. It's one of the few shows that makes me laugh and not just smile. In one of the episodes Sophie (acted out by Jennifer Coolidge -also known as Stifler's mom-) tells Max (interpreted by the super hot Kate Dennings) she was like a balloon being attached to a rock that wouldn't let her fly and be the best version of her. To Sophie that rock was Caroline and Max was supposed to cut that cord in order to prosper and be happier.

Although I couldn't disagree more in this case, those two are mutual support systems, I've seen balloons unable to fly because of rocks in real life. Rocks that might be holding us back for a good reason or for no reason, forever or just for a few days…

It comes a moment in your life were your circle of friends becomes more and more exclusive. You learn the distinction between real friends and a walking by person. I think it's because you know yourself better, you have -they have- tested your friendship, and at some point you had to decide who will stay in your life. 

This process was very painful. I used to have a very good friend but I guess we grew up and didn't want to realize it. We turned out so different... We tried to hold on to each other but he was forced, nothing felt organic or natural around us anymore. We tried talking about it; make an effort to stay close. We couldn't do it, we said goodbye although we see each other quite often we know we are better off. I'm surprise I can even write about it. I cried so much over this process...Regardless, it was the best decision I could make. I run into her from time to time, we are very polite but we don't like to pretend so we go in a different way after hellos. 

My point is, don't let people control your life or worst, suck the life out of you. People can be exhausting so think if they are worth crying for. Is your friendship a give and take? Is it balanced? If the answer is yes, fight for it. If not I'll say cut the cord. 

Doctors... oh my!

Helloooooo! Big news, I went to the doctor yesterday, an eye doctor. I felt like I had something in my eye... Turns out I had nothing but what could be the "dry eye syndrome". He sent my to an specialist and I might have a autoimmune disease which means my body is attacking himself... Wow... What a beautifull irony. I've been psochologically atacking me and now that I'm mostly fine, my body starts doing crazy thing.

The sickness is called the sjorgen syndrome. There are two types, one mostly unconfortable and the other one is related to veeeeery scaaaaaary stronger autoimmune deceases I rather not mention. So far the doctors think it's probably the not so scary because of the non external signs but I have to go on monday for a blood test.

I think I need to say I hate doctors ever since what happend to my dad. I think what happened to me yesterday was my biggest fear come true. Go to the doctor for a regular visit or something stupit like I think I have a peace of shit in my eyer, and leave with cancer. Ok, not cancer but autoimmune. Potato, potatoe.

I now I have to wait for the results but I'm scared as hell. I can't help it.

When enough is enough

Good morning sunshines! Yesterday was a horrible day... I was hopping to get a call from a job interview I made a couple of weeks ago and instead I saw a new add from the company so I guess I wasn't good enough.

GOD I hate that... Not being enough... I remember reading in one of those sentence-affirmation kind of things: 

"Note to self: RELAX. You are enough. You have enough. You do enough."

And when it might be true there are moments when it's not easy to keep repeating the mantra. Like today. Ok, I have enough, I agree. I do enough, at this point I'm only hoping so... But am I enough?

This kind of question left me eyed open last night so I guess exhaustion just adds up to the pile. My conclusion was... It depends to whom. But my concern here is... I'm the only one judging me, considering I'm not enough, well besides the guys at the job interview because I was perfect for the job, seriously. 

What can I do to avoid that kind of thinking? Is there something I can do?