The call

I wish the jerks from the dreamy law firm didn't call last week to ask if I was interested in the firm... They say they will call me back in the following days. A week after I'm waiting, checking my phone every few minutes. And my email. I think if they reject me they will send me and email instead of calling. 

At this point I'm trying to remain calm but it's too much I think. The exam tomorrow, the stupid call... I think if THEY were interested they would have call by now but the possitive person in me keeps saying things in my ear. I hope they will make me an offer. I don't think they could find anyone more willing to work, appreciate the opportunity and invested in a project. 

Their call could change our lives. It will take so much pressure of my shoulders... It's taking to long to come...

Walls !

I used to think crying was a symptom of weakness. Then my life changed and I realized I wasn't able to control me and I would cry for the most unexpected reasons. I didn't cry with any movie, not even Bambi when I was a kid. After 2012 I discover Kleenex were a must when going to the movies. But it wasn't only the movies, it was everything. I guess I became a sensitive person, or that my show-feelings-control systems was shacked to a core. 

The thing is that working on rebuilding me I wanted to start again on my anti-cry wall but it turns out I couldn't. That was until yesterday. After all the emotions (and two failed attempts of killing my driver’s license teacher) I was feeling the anxiety attack coming, I could feel it in my stomach, my chest, my heart... So I immediately grabbed my sawing kit and start over a decoration project I had in mind in order to focus on something else. Then my husband made it home and all that pressure turned into the need of crying. 

I decided it was now or never. Crying will not express a feeling, the message was out, I wasn't even supposed to be sad! I really don't know how but I laid the first brick down, tiers stayed in for the night. In exchange I stayed up almost all night (I believe this is related not to the tiers thing but to the almost anxiety attack...) 

Rebuilding stuff is hard, but always keep in mind it is an opportunity to include all the changes you might need in order to live better. 

Driving, taking control

Hiiiii!!! Exciting news!!! I passed the written test of my driver’s license and I got two paying cases yesterday!! And... I met a nice girl, suitable for friendship in this cold and wet city!! YAYYYY!!!! I guess sometimes patience pays off. 

So yesterday I had my first experience as a driver. It was scary!!! I was told of the possibility of driving back from the circuit where you learn your basics and I said no way, I rather take it slow than kill someone. But my teacher lied and I had no choice but to drive back. Luckily no one got hurt in the procedure and at the end I was happy he pushed me to do it. 

Isn't it prophetic? How many times in life we are so scare of taking the wheel, of taking control of our life? And it's not only because we can hurt people but because it means putting ourselves on the line. Taking a risk, no chance to use as an excuse "he made me do it" but really assuming a responsibility. The responsibility of leaving the life we were given. 

We were created to be free. Which means daring to make our own choices. It doesn't matter if we make mistakes, that's why friends were created for, to help us get back on track. But if you don't take the chance of living, of choosing, of being free... I'm afraid you are not really living, you are just passing by. And considering how rough life can be, it wouldn't be worth it. You will suffer, yes, so in the meantime enjoy good times! Create them! But let it be YOUR good moments, nobody else's.

The "I-Dont'-Care" lie

It's difficult to some to share their feelings. Sometimes it's because they're shy, or they think it's a sign ok weakness. I was in the first category, then my world turned upside-down and I can hardly find my feelings. When I was in therapy the doctor told me I had to make an effort to express things, apparently I'm (or was, IDK) the kind of person who puts everyone needs before others. I have made "I don't care" my mantra, not because I didn't really care but because I was fine doing what others wanted to do. 

For instance, when it came down to choose what personal belongings we wanted from my dad I let my brother and sister choose first. I told my therapist I was ok with it and she wasn't surprised. She asked me if we had something else to choose from, and I said the paintings. She gave me an assignment: I had to choose first. I couldn't. I realized right then that I didn't have control over my life; I was just leaving the way others made me do it. Was it to avoid conflict? To make everyone happy? If it's the first reason I'm screwed as a lawyer. If it's the second, I'm retarded. It's impossible to make everyone happy, someone always will not be ok with your decision or path or whatever. And how the hell will you make anyone happy if you’re miserable? So after careful considerations I made the list of the paintings I loved the most. Not because of the value but because they brought up memories (when I was decorating our home the first thing I putted up was a picture of my parents. I picture that I love so much, they look so happy and my dad was so handsome...). 

I understood that inheritances are painful, and sometimes material things might not seam important at that moment, but if you don't pay attention to those things there is a big chance that you'll regret it in the future. I want my future kids to have something from his grandfather so they can remember him. 

Frustation

Back to the routine, and back is the black dog... And what made him grow this time are the multiple arguments I have with my husband. 

We argue about money, he thinks you should save and save and save, which means we are in a situation where we can even buy the food we need. He says that's fine because we can accept all the food her mother cooks. First, it's very sad to me that two supposedly independent persons are depending on someone else's fridge, especially when it comes to a 70 year old woman's fridge. Then I have no control whatsoever on the things I want to eat because we have to base our menus on what she provides. Finally I find frozen food disgusting so I'm basically trying to eat healthy, without spending more than 20 € a week and let me tell you how complicated it is to fix a weekly menu (having to cook two different things for two persons). I think we should definitively save money, but not up to this point. 

Another matter we argue about is regarding how often we should visit or families. We go visit their parents once a month, so we've been there 4 times since we moved. We've been to my home 0, I went alone 1 time and then my mother came visit 1. The fact that he keeps complaining about only spending 3 days a month with them makes me want to slap him. I understand he wants to see them, but I want to see my mother as often as he does... Or even more, considering my mother is alone. No kids visiting her or taking care of her, no husband, no nothing!! I'm her only child, not only I feel responsible for leaving her alone, but I'm not even able to go visit her... Because of the f****** savings plan. 

And finally, something that's inside of my mind but I'm not telling him is how much I regret moving here. I gave up my live, my beautiful, huge, comfy home, my mother, a nice fulfilling secured job, my friends, the sun... for him. And he takes it for granted. I'm just part of his planned life, I don't even have a saying on any decisions. 

FRUSTATED 

SPORT !

I'm expecting a call from the law firm I had the job interview a couple of weeks ago so I take my phone everywhere I go, I never turn it off and every time it rings my heart stops for a second (then I see it's my mother and my heartbeat goes back to normal)...

I'm trying to stay busy, and I am! I'm working on my current law firm website update, my driver’s license and I'm going to the gym every day. Yeah I decided it will be part of my "building an awesome life" have a slightly better body. I know it will never be a killer body; I never had even when I was a member of the national fencing team and trained for 2 hours every single day, even on the weekends. So that's that for expectations on my body but even if all the exercise I do doesn't change my body I've already told you it changes my humor. 

Sport has the ability of making you happy, apparently because of endorphins or whatever (I'm not a doctor, I don't like them I don't really want to know about chemical reactions inside my brain...) And it's addictive! Seriously, I bet if you start you won't be able to stop!! You might even feel the need of trying new sports. I'm not going to lie, my muscles are seriously sore but this muscular pain makes me feel good and I embrace it. 

Love me, love you!

Have you ever had a moment of revelation? I have... It was a month ago... I was talking about how upset I was about not being able to control myself when it came to criticism. I've been over criticizing people, sometimes for good reasons, some other times for no reason at all...

The person I was talking to asked if I was like that with myself. It took me a few seconds to answer yes... And the he said "if you don't see the beauty in you how do you expect to see beauty in the others"? This message is not about "love yourself and others will love you".... It's about "love yourself and you'll be able to love others". 

I remember when I was so depressed that I couldn't even bear listening to neither my mother’s voice nor my boyfriend’s (we weren't married back then)... The 2 persons I loved the most in the world and even their voices were upsetting... I was so hurt, I had lost my faith, and "hope" had disappeared from my vocabulary... Everything seemed ugly, shallow... "How the world keeps moving after what happened to my father? After what happened to this family? After what happened to me? Don't talk to me about clothes, art, music... don't kiss me, don't touch me..." I was destroyed, incapable of loving anything or anyone... 

It is so important to make an effort, exercise kindness, not only to others but with you. Please take a second a day to say something nice about how amazing your hair looks today or how adorable your hands are... I don't know, how smart you are, that great joke you’re said yesterday... Be thankful for what you are and love love loooove you in order to love the others better.

Colors and baby steps

I've been trying something new lately... I'm forcing myself to dress in bright colors. Yes, I love black pants, black dresses, all black, everything... It's elegant, easy and ok to wear it to every occasion (maybe avoid it on weddings). Haven't you heard about color therapy? I know babies sleep better in a room with soft color walls, I know colors are used as part of marketing campaign because colors influence on the mood of the clients... Therefore I'm sure dressing always in dark colors influences our mood, so here I am, wearing a hot pink jacket (with black pants, let’s not get to crazy). I might have left out high heels today, it's too cold and my wisdom teeth is being a pain in the a**. 

However... So far so good with my plan of getting my life in order!! Gym attendance went up, I'm spending 3 hours a day on my driver’s license and I bought my self a present. Not that it was part of the plan but sometimes a girl needs a little present. And not just any type of present... A plant!! You might have seen it in Ikea, it's a tiny cactus shaped as a heart (mine is from a different shop, I avoid buying to big companies, I support local businesses). 

I want this plant to symbolize I love me. Because I need to love to be abble to love my mother, my husband, my family... I firmly believe the first step for happiness starts and ends with you. And your have to be active! Wellness will not magically appear, you need to search actively for it! Attract it and cherish it! 

We all have days were we are feeling a little off and it's ok to be sad sometines. However, it's not normal to be sad every day. So if you are, make changes! Don't be afraid because your situation could hardly get any worst. Baby steps, don't change everything at the same time, it could be scary as hell... But start maybe with something symbolic let's say... By eating vegetables instead of greasy food on Tuesday... Or walking instead of taking the bus... Be brave!