Driving, taking control

Hiiiii!!! Exciting news!!! I passed the written test of my driver’s license and I got two paying cases yesterday!! And... I met a nice girl, suitable for friendship in this cold and wet city!! YAYYYY!!!! I guess sometimes patience pays off. 

So yesterday I had my first experience as a driver. It was scary!!! I was told of the possibility of driving back from the circuit where you learn your basics and I said no way, I rather take it slow than kill someone. But my teacher lied and I had no choice but to drive back. Luckily no one got hurt in the procedure and at the end I was happy he pushed me to do it. 

Isn't it prophetic? How many times in life we are so scare of taking the wheel, of taking control of our life? And it's not only because we can hurt people but because it means putting ourselves on the line. Taking a risk, no chance to use as an excuse "he made me do it" but really assuming a responsibility. The responsibility of leaving the life we were given. 

We were created to be free. Which means daring to make our own choices. It doesn't matter if we make mistakes, that's why friends were created for, to help us get back on track. But if you don't take the chance of living, of choosing, of being free... I'm afraid you are not really living, you are just passing by. And considering how rough life can be, it wouldn't be worth it. You will suffer, yes, so in the meantime enjoy good times! Create them! But let it be YOUR good moments, nobody else's.

The "I-Dont'-Care" lie

It's difficult to some to share their feelings. Sometimes it's because they're shy, or they think it's a sign ok weakness. I was in the first category, then my world turned upside-down and I can hardly find my feelings. When I was in therapy the doctor told me I had to make an effort to express things, apparently I'm (or was, IDK) the kind of person who puts everyone needs before others. I have made "I don't care" my mantra, not because I didn't really care but because I was fine doing what others wanted to do. 

For instance, when it came down to choose what personal belongings we wanted from my dad I let my brother and sister choose first. I told my therapist I was ok with it and she wasn't surprised. She asked me if we had something else to choose from, and I said the paintings. She gave me an assignment: I had to choose first. I couldn't. I realized right then that I didn't have control over my life; I was just leaving the way others made me do it. Was it to avoid conflict? To make everyone happy? If it's the first reason I'm screwed as a lawyer. If it's the second, I'm retarded. It's impossible to make everyone happy, someone always will not be ok with your decision or path or whatever. And how the hell will you make anyone happy if you’re miserable? So after careful considerations I made the list of the paintings I loved the most. Not because of the value but because they brought up memories (when I was decorating our home the first thing I putted up was a picture of my parents. I picture that I love so much, they look so happy and my dad was so handsome...). 

I understood that inheritances are painful, and sometimes material things might not seam important at that moment, but if you don't pay attention to those things there is a big chance that you'll regret it in the future. I want my future kids to have something from his grandfather so they can remember him. 

Vitamin C and other problems

I think I'm sick again... This is very annoying because I should be in perfect conditions for my test on monday but no... So I decided to increase my vitamin C diet by drinking hot water with lemon and I bought extra strong meds. 

I went to the pharmacy and ask for a specific type which has caffeine because those meds make my sleepy. I grabbed one brand knowing it had caffeine but I asked anyway in order to be sure. The lady answered it didn't have caffeine when I was reading in the components it did have... So she got upset and started making comments, I guess in order to make me feel bad for checking her answer.

I wasn't trying to make her feel bad, I wanted to make sure the pills wouldn't make me fall sleep during the day. It wasn't personal; I was not questioning how professional she is... I honestly don't really care; all I want is this cold out of my body. I only felt bad for a couple of minutes. If she decides to get upset it's her problem, not mine. 

Sometimes people have the power of making us feel guilty, or bad, and even make us responsible for their problems or mistakes just because we were around. Avoid taking in that feeling, it's not your problem to deal with. I'm sure you have plenty of stuff to worry and deal with. Focus on your own problems first, deal and solve those. It is a type of "selfishness", but the good kind.

We can be heroes

My apologies for having disappeared!!! Much needed vacation to the south in order to enjoy the sun, good food and the family. We had an awesome time and I would be sad it's over but I'm excited about the things that are around the corner. 

What things? oh do tell us. Ok, I'll tell you. Because today I'm hopeful and grateful. Strangely enough and even if right now I might not be where I wanted to be in life, I am positive I'll get there at some point. It is so important to have something to look forward... The fact that we expect make us want to be around. And you wouldn't stay around if you didn't have the feeling that something good is coming your way.

I guess it's not possible to wait forever but in that case I'll recommend expecting something else. Is there a different possibility? Ok, so maybe I didn't get the job I wanted, is it possible I can get excited about switching carriers? Is there something else in the menu? Or in a different key... The guy you went out with three weeks ago didn't call. New chance to go out, dance, party, flirt... Find a new guy and have the "first-kiss-kind-a-buzz".   

The amazing grace of being able to smile thru rough times depends only in you. You have the power of turning a bad thing into, at least, a less bad thing. And when this ability is mastered you could even change it to a good thing, it will be a new beginning. It takes time and strength but once you manage to do it you can call yourself a HEROE. 

Certificates and stupid questions

Oh, Am I pissed..?!?! I've never been treated like that before... Let me explain, you will understand. Before you can get your driver’s license you need a doctor to analyze if you might have any kind of physical or psychological which will make you unsuitable for driving. 

One of the questions was if I had visited a psychiatrist or psychologist in the last 5 years, I answered yes because it's true and because I'm not ashamed. I needed help, it was very painful to admit it but I did it and somehow, even before going to the doctor my cured had started just by asking for help. The woman went crazy, all alarms went off, they put me in a separate room and they had I psychologist asking questions about how often I wanted to kill myself. 

I was released from treatment 11 months ago. It was hard, it was (as it is now) a fight but I manage to do it. Even in the deepest moments I never had the intention of killing myself, not even once. She made me go back to that time where getting out of bed was painful and honestly I don't think it was necessary. They made me feel weak, and ashamed... But only for a minute. 

I decided I wasn't going to give them the power of ruining my day, of ruining the experience of getting my driver’s license, which is something I'm enjoying a lot. Having a psychological decease is not something to be ashamed off. I believe there is still a stigma about psychological deceases. Absurd, isn't it? I don't think I'm any different from any other person with a physical condition... We both needed doctors, meds, support... 

I left with the freaking certificate but I'm never going back there. 

Long talks

At pretty much the same time I was pressing "publish" for the last post I realized I needed a looooong conversation with my husband. Where's the point of writing this down and live it to no use? So that's how we spend our evening. It wasn't the most pleasant time, but it felt so great to lift that pain off my shoulders. We shared things that were making our marriage suck and made the commitment of working on the things that are annoying about us. What we said to each other, might be hurtful but we were careful to use a regular tone (no screaming allowed) bad words were left aside and everything we said was because it had to be said. 

We started by exposing what things were bothering us. Then the other had a moment to answer to those "accusations" and finally we moved on to possible solutions. They were tears, I cry all the time, sometimes for no reason. But it had to be said, we needed to say those things, it was a burden slowing us up. 

It is my believe that getting married is a forever commitment so every problem, every fight is something we are forced to overcome. We know none of us thinks about jumping the boat under any circumstance so there is a double consequence: the sense of security and a huge responsibility. Sense of security because you know you can screw it up because he has my back. This only works if it's equal for both parties. And the huge responsibility of being the best version of yourself in order to avoid making each others life hell. 

Today he cooked for me, I cooked for him. We laughed and kissed. 

Frustation

Back to the routine, and back is the black dog... And what made him grow this time are the multiple arguments I have with my husband. 

We argue about money, he thinks you should save and save and save, which means we are in a situation where we can even buy the food we need. He says that's fine because we can accept all the food her mother cooks. First, it's very sad to me that two supposedly independent persons are depending on someone else's fridge, especially when it comes to a 70 year old woman's fridge. Then I have no control whatsoever on the things I want to eat because we have to base our menus on what she provides. Finally I find frozen food disgusting so I'm basically trying to eat healthy, without spending more than 20 € a week and let me tell you how complicated it is to fix a weekly menu (having to cook two different things for two persons). I think we should definitively save money, but not up to this point. 

Another matter we argue about is regarding how often we should visit or families. We go visit their parents once a month, so we've been there 4 times since we moved. We've been to my home 0, I went alone 1 time and then my mother came visit 1. The fact that he keeps complaining about only spending 3 days a month with them makes me want to slap him. I understand he wants to see them, but I want to see my mother as often as he does... Or even more, considering my mother is alone. No kids visiting her or taking care of her, no husband, no nothing!! I'm her only child, not only I feel responsible for leaving her alone, but I'm not even able to go visit her... Because of the f****** savings plan. 

And finally, something that's inside of my mind but I'm not telling him is how much I regret moving here. I gave up my live, my beautiful, huge, comfy home, my mother, a nice fulfilling secured job, my friends, the sun... for him. And he takes it for granted. I'm just part of his planned life, I don't even have a saying on any decisions. 

FRUSTATED 

Yee-pee

I'll be happy for the weekend to start but we'll be spending it with my in laws. Yep, not excited honestly. They are great persons, it's just that I like being at home, with my sheets and my bathroom... I don't like the attention nor the comments about how a good house keeper should behave because secretly she makes me feel bad for firmly believe when both partners are working, housekeeping becomes a shared task. I refuse to work at the office, and at home so he can read his paper confortably. We both contribute and that's it!

I guess it's a generation thing, she is the age of my grandmother and me grandmother even pealed of the fruits for my grandfather... I refuse to do that! And I won't do it with my kids if I ever have one... I could understand when one of the familly members is not working, then it should be his job, boy or girl. 

Fooooood

What helps you when you are sad? In my case it used to be sports, then eating and then shopping depending on how old I was. If I only had money... So I'm eating like a crazy person... So I'm getting fat as we speak... And I don't want to but I'm hopeless.. I'm wondering how I'll get out of this one...

Big black dog

Have you seen the video about depression compared to a black dog? Here, highly recommended: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

Well for a couple of days my dog has been growing... And last night was bad. It was one of those nights when I was exhausted but I couldn't manage to fall sleep. All I was able to do was crying. I guess I'm overwhelmed by having left a decent job, moved to a different city where after 4 months I haven't met anyone, losing my economic independence and stability, feeling lost, alone, not appreciated, stupid, annoying... It started like that and then my head decided to go down memory lane and awful memories came to town.

I woke up feeling like shit (at least I managed to sleep 4 hours), got up, dressed up... I did everything in my "get better program" relating to external appearance: dress-nicely-wear-make-up (you know my theory on how external appearances might lead to change the way you fell inside)... Today it's not working. Someday I don't manage to make things work, It's one of those so at this point I'm just hoping it will go fast. 

Stay strong, Fight! 

Fashion bloggers

I love fashion. As you may know in the last years many bloggers have emerged and became life exhibitors of brands to sell and promote their items. I'm not going to lie, but I check their posts almost every day. Some of them are professional bloggers, meaning they get paid for showing items in their blogs, and they also get to keep the clothes. And sometimes bloggers sell the clothes and get extra cash.

I used to think fashion blogs are cool, they express a certain personality and allowed anyone to get ideas on how to dress. However, after seeing the way some bloggers have become a mere way of selling stuff it makes me wonder if the shirt the girl is wearing is really something daring, cool and something she will wear if she wasn't paid for. Us mere mortals, with a normal budget and not getting paid for wearing clothes can't afford to have the same closest they have so we have to choose, prioritize and be realistic with the money and space we have. 

Last week, being already pissed with one blogger for being extremely obvious she was wearing something she wouldn’t normally wear... I saw one of them posting a link of a website where she was selling her clothes. It had the price, the composition and how many times the item had been used before. Most of the things had only been used one time. And now is when I need to ask myself, is it even responsible to behave like that? I'm a grown up, I know I can't buy 7 outfits every day and I don't get frustrated (at least not all the time!) but they are sending a wrong message to the young girls out there... 

I understand in their case bloggers use their clothes as part of their work, fine... But by the way blogs are made, and also the way they are written and I guess is the reason why they are so popular is because they are meant to represent "the girl next door" (of course, the girl next door always looking adorable). What would a normal girl wear to class/work/party? And it turns out some of the blogs are not even about that anymore. I respect it has become a job, but let’s not pretend they are spontaneous or free or that they represent "the girl next door" because what we see know it's just a brand, paying a model, the blogger, to show their clothes.

SPORT !

I'm expecting a call from the law firm I had the job interview a couple of weeks ago so I take my phone everywhere I go, I never turn it off and every time it rings my heart stops for a second (then I see it's my mother and my heartbeat goes back to normal)...

I'm trying to stay busy, and I am! I'm working on my current law firm website update, my driver’s license and I'm going to the gym every day. Yeah I decided it will be part of my "building an awesome life" have a slightly better body. I know it will never be a killer body; I never had even when I was a member of the national fencing team and trained for 2 hours every single day, even on the weekends. So that's that for expectations on my body but even if all the exercise I do doesn't change my body I've already told you it changes my humor. 

Sport has the ability of making you happy, apparently because of endorphins or whatever (I'm not a doctor, I don't like them I don't really want to know about chemical reactions inside my brain...) And it's addictive! Seriously, I bet if you start you won't be able to stop!! You might even feel the need of trying new sports. I'm not going to lie, my muscles are seriously sore but this muscular pain makes me feel good and I embrace it. 

Weekends and get aways

Exciting news!!! It's raining again... And I'm wearing black!!! I don't know why! It just happened.. I was on a hurry today and I forgot about my resolutions. It probably means I haven't interiorized the whole program but I'm not giving up!!

The weekend was amazing. We decided to pack our bags and get to know a little more about the area where we are leaving so off we went. Narrow roads, wineries along the road, small villages... And finally we made it to the hotel:

Our hotel was a monastery until the XIXth when the government decided to confiscated a lot of the properties belonging to the Catholic Church. The building is beautiful and they made such a wonderful job making it a hotel and mixing old and new trends in deco. 

As for the view... What can I say?? I have no words to describe it...We got to hike around and took a boat to see the mountains from a different point of view and it made us feel so small. And it made me think, those mountains, those trees, they will remain long after I leave this world but they'll be there. Our time here is limited and therefore we need to make the most of it. Assume we will suffer, assume we will laugh, assume we might not have it all, assume life is a constant fight and that it's ok to stop and rest a few minutes. It's ok as long as after the rest we go back to the game and fight the hell out of life.