Love me, love you!

Have you ever had a moment of revelation? I have... It was a month ago... I was talking about how upset I was about not being able to control myself when it came to criticism. I've been over criticizing people, sometimes for good reasons, some other times for no reason at all...

The person I was talking to asked if I was like that with myself. It took me a few seconds to answer yes... And the he said "if you don't see the beauty in you how do you expect to see beauty in the others"? This message is not about "love yourself and others will love you".... It's about "love yourself and you'll be able to love others". 

I remember when I was so depressed that I couldn't even bear listening to neither my mother’s voice nor my boyfriend’s (we weren't married back then)... The 2 persons I loved the most in the world and even their voices were upsetting... I was so hurt, I had lost my faith, and "hope" had disappeared from my vocabulary... Everything seemed ugly, shallow... "How the world keeps moving after what happened to my father? After what happened to this family? After what happened to me? Don't talk to me about clothes, art, music... don't kiss me, don't touch me..." I was destroyed, incapable of loving anything or anyone... 

It is so important to make an effort, exercise kindness, not only to others but with you. Please take a second a day to say something nice about how amazing your hair looks today or how adorable your hands are... I don't know, how smart you are, that great joke you’re said yesterday... Be thankful for what you are and love love loooove you in order to love the others better.

Grandparents

Sorry for missing a few days.. It was my husband's b-day and I wanted to make something special. He is not used to celebrate things but since I had my breakdown I decided to celebrate every little thing worth celebrating... And 35 years are definitively worth celebrating!!

The best part was baking my grandmothers lemon cake... It actually brought back a lot of memories and made me wish I had known my grandparents better. I find grandparents have such a strong responsibility on keeping the family together. They always manage to make the brothers and sisters come together. Unfortunately since my grandparents passed away when I was a kid and I've seen the difference between how Christmas or any other important holidays were celebrated... 

Do you have a good relationship with your grandparents? My advice? Get to spend as much time as you can with them... 

Money, power and papers....

My brother was on the papers today. He is currently working in a great possition, awesome enough to be on the papers... I am proud of him, so proud... But I can't ignore a strange feeling, some might say I'm jelous, I'm not... It's just that we've been having money issues with my dad's inheritance and he didn't help at all. At all. And it's so clear that he could have helped...

I wonder why you want all that power, all that money if you can't use it to make the life of people around you better, or easier... To me it's sad...

On a different note my wisdom teeth are killing me!! I actually had a dream where I begged the dentist to pull them out already and I have a patological fear of dentist!!! The antibiotics have kicked in and I can open my mouth a few more centimetres but it stel hurts when I swallow. 

My husband will take care of me after the intervention, and I'm scared!!! His deffinition of taking care is making me laugh but it hurts!! Last night he couldn't help himself and I kept asking him to stop... I gotta love him for being like that. Although I might kill during the weekend, I'll let you know!

Take care!!

Colors and baby steps

I've been trying something new lately... I'm forcing myself to dress in bright colors. Yes, I love black pants, black dresses, all black, everything... It's elegant, easy and ok to wear it to every occasion (maybe avoid it on weddings). Haven't you heard about color therapy? I know babies sleep better in a room with soft color walls, I know colors are used as part of marketing campaign because colors influence on the mood of the clients... Therefore I'm sure dressing always in dark colors influences our mood, so here I am, wearing a hot pink jacket (with black pants, let’s not get to crazy). I might have left out high heels today, it's too cold and my wisdom teeth is being a pain in the a**. 

However... So far so good with my plan of getting my life in order!! Gym attendance went up, I'm spending 3 hours a day on my driver’s license and I bought my self a present. Not that it was part of the plan but sometimes a girl needs a little present. And not just any type of present... A plant!! You might have seen it in Ikea, it's a tiny cactus shaped as a heart (mine is from a different shop, I avoid buying to big companies, I support local businesses). 

I want this plant to symbolize I love me. Because I need to love to be abble to love my mother, my husband, my family... I firmly believe the first step for happiness starts and ends with you. And your have to be active! Wellness will not magically appear, you need to search actively for it! Attract it and cherish it! 

We all have days were we are feeling a little off and it's ok to be sad sometines. However, it's not normal to be sad every day. So if you are, make changes! Don't be afraid because your situation could hardly get any worst. Baby steps, don't change everything at the same time, it could be scary as hell... But start maybe with something symbolic let's say... By eating vegetables instead of greasy food on Tuesday... Or walking instead of taking the bus... Be brave! 

Overwhelmed

Oh my... Today is the kind of day that makes you extra grateful. It was the first time I visited prison. As a lawyer you are supposed to assist your client there but I have never been there before mostly because my specialties are civil and commercial law. 

As I entered the prison walls I was trying to remain calmed although I was completely overwhelmed. I guess I wasn't prepare... I found our client, shaking; I don't know if it was because of how cold it was or the lack of drug in her body. She was kind, educated and had a looooooong record. I thought about giving her my scarf but I red before joining her in her cell that her boyfriend tried to take his own life with a towel and didn't want to take any risk. 

In her record shit I also found out no one came to pick up her stuff when her boyfriend had his mum... It made me feel sad for her. How did you find yourself into that? I can't imagine... 

The second part of my day didn't get much better. The second client was an 18 year old boy... He confessed so nothing much to do about his case but we got to talk. The dad was missing, her mum had a second kid the second husband also left, her grandmother was feeding and taking care of all three. He was mostly ashamed... He couldn't look at me in the eyes, they set him free again and I couldn't help of thinking again about the first girl, she will be spending that night in jail. For a reason. But, in jail... 

At some point that girl had to make a choice between committing a crime and risk a few years of her life in jail or stay where she was and somehow she preferred taking the risk rather than staying where she was. Can you imagine how desperate she was? Today I learned to be grateful for being free. Because at some point we all had the choice... Being good or choosing the wrong path and ending in a bad place... I'm grateful because I always had a support system giving me in in the dark... 

Job interviews

I didn't get much sleep last night. I kept waking up every 20-30 minutes thinking I was going to be late for a job interview, 2º in two months. The interview will take place in a city 30 minutes away from where I'm living and after carefull considerations I decided to take the bus because I noticed last time the train got there late and I didn't wanted to take any chances. 

The bus left on time, I was feeling great. Pretty calmed after repeating to me for hours it wasn't a big deal. All my Zen went out the window when I saw the bus station sooooo far away from down town and I only had 30 minutes to get there...on hills...I panicked and jumped into a cab (shit people! I'm on a budget here!). 

I got there on time, happy and excited. The building was amazing, beautifully renovated keeping the right parts of the old construction. The Office seemed great, clean, elegant... The interview will take place by webcam, I sat down, took my papers out, got mentally prepared and suddenly...noises everywhere, they were protesting in front of a bank. It was very annoying and hard to understand what they were saying but I managed just fine. At the end of the interview she wanted to check on my English skills (English is not my maternal language which I'm sure it's something you had already picked up on). Oh my! For some reason whenever I switch to English I need to turn the volume up... I couldn't hear a thing!! Luckily she didn't take it as some random excuse to avoid speaking in English and she decided to call the office and continue by phone. 

Long story short... I left there happy and relaxed. She said she will give her feed back to the office manager and let me know if they were interested on having a second interview. She call me just a few hours later, I'm having that meeting on Wednesday. If they like me...no no no no no... No ifs... I'm going to work hard on the interview and be myself. I hope I can find a place to learn and grow. 

Lighthouses and laundry

I met my husband in Paris. It was my last year of college, he was visiting a friend. We spoke for 4 hours, when he tried to kiss me I panicked (I just ended a 3 year relationship and wasn't ready at all) but instead of running I listened to my gut and decided to meet him the day after for a walk around Montmartre. 

He had to go back to his life I was sure that was it for us. He sounded waaaay too good to be true, ironically he thought the same about me but he was ready to bet for us and convinced me and insisted to come back the next month. From that weekend it became very clear what we had could be something great so he invited me back to where he lived. Every time I went visit him we found a minute to visit a lighthouse and ended up in love with lighthouses. 

We love to visit lighthouses because they’re usually in remote places so most of the time we need to hike to get there so not only you get to enjoy the see at the end of the road but also the land, the trees and the sun on your way there. 

So yesterday we packed our lunch and grabbed our coats and reconnected with our old obsession. It was a great day; we saw 3 lighthouses, loved them and enjoyed the sun and the see. 

Today I went back to work (how uncool it is to work for free?) smiling. I forgot about my ebay misfortune and shitty situation... And as I was concentrating on walking with my high heels I received a call, they reestablished my ebay account and I was back in business. 

My suggestion for the day is go back to your basics. What used to make you happy? I found out this things are usually what we call "small things" such as taking photographs, read a good book, paint, write.... Simple things that we stop doing because we there aren't enough hours in a day. Find a moment and instead of doing laundry go for it! Dirty clothes can wait; make your happiness an obligation and a priority.  

Doors, windows, Ebay

Have you ever heard the expression "when God shouts a door, He opens a window". Well, it doesn't apply to me. At all. Nothing. Zero. 

Do you remember how I was going to start my own business? Well I launched it and a couple of hours later they shot it down... I opened a selling account in ebay, invested time in research and making it nice... And they cancelled it and asked for all types of crazy documents... ID, prove of my home address, prove that I do own those things...

I honestly saw this possibily as a chance to provide for me and my husband and now there is a chance I will never be able to put my brilliant idea in practice. I'm waiting for Ebay answer, I obviously had all the documents but after doing some research they simply close it if they think they won't be making money from your adds. 

My intention was to pay for a premium account if it had any success... Ojjj... I'm so annoyed...

Rocks and Cords

I'm a big fan of the tv show 2 broke girls. It's one of the few shows that makes me laugh and not just smile. In one of the episodes Sophie (acted out by Jennifer Coolidge -also known as Stifler's mom-) tells Max (interpreted by the super hot Kate Dennings) she was like a balloon being attached to a rock that wouldn't let her fly and be the best version of her. To Sophie that rock was Caroline and Max was supposed to cut that cord in order to prosper and be happier.

Although I couldn't disagree more in this case, those two are mutual support systems, I've seen balloons unable to fly because of rocks in real life. Rocks that might be holding us back for a good reason or for no reason, forever or just for a few days…

It comes a moment in your life were your circle of friends becomes more and more exclusive. You learn the distinction between real friends and a walking by person. I think it's because you know yourself better, you have -they have- tested your friendship, and at some point you had to decide who will stay in your life. 

This process was very painful. I used to have a very good friend but I guess we grew up and didn't want to realize it. We turned out so different... We tried to hold on to each other but he was forced, nothing felt organic or natural around us anymore. We tried talking about it; make an effort to stay close. We couldn't do it, we said goodbye although we see each other quite often we know we are better off. I'm surprise I can even write about it. I cried so much over this process...Regardless, it was the best decision I could make. I run into her from time to time, we are very polite but we don't like to pretend so we go in a different way after hellos. 

My point is, don't let people control your life or worst, suck the life out of you. People can be exhausting so think if they are worth crying for. Is your friendship a give and take? Is it balanced? If the answer is yes, fight for it. If not I'll say cut the cord.