Driving, taking control

Hiiiii!!! Exciting news!!! I passed the written test of my driver’s license and I got two paying cases yesterday!! And... I met a nice girl, suitable for friendship in this cold and wet city!! YAYYYY!!!! I guess sometimes patience pays off. 

So yesterday I had my first experience as a driver. It was scary!!! I was told of the possibility of driving back from the circuit where you learn your basics and I said no way, I rather take it slow than kill someone. But my teacher lied and I had no choice but to drive back. Luckily no one got hurt in the procedure and at the end I was happy he pushed me to do it. 

Isn't it prophetic? How many times in life we are so scare of taking the wheel, of taking control of our life? And it's not only because we can hurt people but because it means putting ourselves on the line. Taking a risk, no chance to use as an excuse "he made me do it" but really assuming a responsibility. The responsibility of leaving the life we were given. 

We were created to be free. Which means daring to make our own choices. It doesn't matter if we make mistakes, that's why friends were created for, to help us get back on track. But if you don't take the chance of living, of choosing, of being free... I'm afraid you are not really living, you are just passing by. And considering how rough life can be, it wouldn't be worth it. You will suffer, yes, so in the meantime enjoy good times! Create them! But let it be YOUR good moments, nobody else's.

The "I-Dont'-Care" lie

It's difficult to some to share their feelings. Sometimes it's because they're shy, or they think it's a sign ok weakness. I was in the first category, then my world turned upside-down and I can hardly find my feelings. When I was in therapy the doctor told me I had to make an effort to express things, apparently I'm (or was, IDK) the kind of person who puts everyone needs before others. I have made "I don't care" my mantra, not because I didn't really care but because I was fine doing what others wanted to do. 

For instance, when it came down to choose what personal belongings we wanted from my dad I let my brother and sister choose first. I told my therapist I was ok with it and she wasn't surprised. She asked me if we had something else to choose from, and I said the paintings. She gave me an assignment: I had to choose first. I couldn't. I realized right then that I didn't have control over my life; I was just leaving the way others made me do it. Was it to avoid conflict? To make everyone happy? If it's the first reason I'm screwed as a lawyer. If it's the second, I'm retarded. It's impossible to make everyone happy, someone always will not be ok with your decision or path or whatever. And how the hell will you make anyone happy if you’re miserable? So after careful considerations I made the list of the paintings I loved the most. Not because of the value but because they brought up memories (when I was decorating our home the first thing I putted up was a picture of my parents. I picture that I love so much, they look so happy and my dad was so handsome...). 

I understood that inheritances are painful, and sometimes material things might not seam important at that moment, but if you don't pay attention to those things there is a big chance that you'll regret it in the future. I want my future kids to have something from his grandfather so they can remember him. 

Vitamin C and other problems

I think I'm sick again... This is very annoying because I should be in perfect conditions for my test on monday but no... So I decided to increase my vitamin C diet by drinking hot water with lemon and I bought extra strong meds. 

I went to the pharmacy and ask for a specific type which has caffeine because those meds make my sleepy. I grabbed one brand knowing it had caffeine but I asked anyway in order to be sure. The lady answered it didn't have caffeine when I was reading in the components it did have... So she got upset and started making comments, I guess in order to make me feel bad for checking her answer.

I wasn't trying to make her feel bad, I wanted to make sure the pills wouldn't make me fall sleep during the day. It wasn't personal; I was not questioning how professional she is... I honestly don't really care; all I want is this cold out of my body. I only felt bad for a couple of minutes. If she decides to get upset it's her problem, not mine. 

Sometimes people have the power of making us feel guilty, or bad, and even make us responsible for their problems or mistakes just because we were around. Avoid taking in that feeling, it's not your problem to deal with. I'm sure you have plenty of stuff to worry and deal with. Focus on your own problems first, deal and solve those. It is a type of "selfishness", but the good kind.

We can be heroes

My apologies for having disappeared!!! Much needed vacation to the south in order to enjoy the sun, good food and the family. We had an awesome time and I would be sad it's over but I'm excited about the things that are around the corner. 

What things? oh do tell us. Ok, I'll tell you. Because today I'm hopeful and grateful. Strangely enough and even if right now I might not be where I wanted to be in life, I am positive I'll get there at some point. It is so important to have something to look forward... The fact that we expect make us want to be around. And you wouldn't stay around if you didn't have the feeling that something good is coming your way.

I guess it's not possible to wait forever but in that case I'll recommend expecting something else. Is there a different possibility? Ok, so maybe I didn't get the job I wanted, is it possible I can get excited about switching carriers? Is there something else in the menu? Or in a different key... The guy you went out with three weeks ago didn't call. New chance to go out, dance, party, flirt... Find a new guy and have the "first-kiss-kind-a-buzz".   

The amazing grace of being able to smile thru rough times depends only in you. You have the power of turning a bad thing into, at least, a less bad thing. And when this ability is mastered you could even change it to a good thing, it will be a new beginning. It takes time and strength but once you manage to do it you can call yourself a HEROE. 

Certificates and stupid questions

Oh, Am I pissed..?!?! I've never been treated like that before... Let me explain, you will understand. Before you can get your driver’s license you need a doctor to analyze if you might have any kind of physical or psychological which will make you unsuitable for driving. 

One of the questions was if I had visited a psychiatrist or psychologist in the last 5 years, I answered yes because it's true and because I'm not ashamed. I needed help, it was very painful to admit it but I did it and somehow, even before going to the doctor my cured had started just by asking for help. The woman went crazy, all alarms went off, they put me in a separate room and they had I psychologist asking questions about how often I wanted to kill myself. 

I was released from treatment 11 months ago. It was hard, it was (as it is now) a fight but I manage to do it. Even in the deepest moments I never had the intention of killing myself, not even once. She made me go back to that time where getting out of bed was painful and honestly I don't think it was necessary. They made me feel weak, and ashamed... But only for a minute. 

I decided I wasn't going to give them the power of ruining my day, of ruining the experience of getting my driver’s license, which is something I'm enjoying a lot. Having a psychological decease is not something to be ashamed off. I believe there is still a stigma about psychological deceases. Absurd, isn't it? I don't think I'm any different from any other person with a physical condition... We both needed doctors, meds, support... 

I left with the freaking certificate but I'm never going back there. 

Long talks

At pretty much the same time I was pressing "publish" for the last post I realized I needed a looooong conversation with my husband. Where's the point of writing this down and live it to no use? So that's how we spend our evening. It wasn't the most pleasant time, but it felt so great to lift that pain off my shoulders. We shared things that were making our marriage suck and made the commitment of working on the things that are annoying about us. What we said to each other, might be hurtful but we were careful to use a regular tone (no screaming allowed) bad words were left aside and everything we said was because it had to be said. 

We started by exposing what things were bothering us. Then the other had a moment to answer to those "accusations" and finally we moved on to possible solutions. They were tears, I cry all the time, sometimes for no reason. But it had to be said, we needed to say those things, it was a burden slowing us up. 

It is my believe that getting married is a forever commitment so every problem, every fight is something we are forced to overcome. We know none of us thinks about jumping the boat under any circumstance so there is a double consequence: the sense of security and a huge responsibility. Sense of security because you know you can screw it up because he has my back. This only works if it's equal for both parties. And the huge responsibility of being the best version of yourself in order to avoid making each others life hell. 

Today he cooked for me, I cooked for him. We laughed and kissed. 

Frustation

Back to the routine, and back is the black dog... And what made him grow this time are the multiple arguments I have with my husband. 

We argue about money, he thinks you should save and save and save, which means we are in a situation where we can even buy the food we need. He says that's fine because we can accept all the food her mother cooks. First, it's very sad to me that two supposedly independent persons are depending on someone else's fridge, especially when it comes to a 70 year old woman's fridge. Then I have no control whatsoever on the things I want to eat because we have to base our menus on what she provides. Finally I find frozen food disgusting so I'm basically trying to eat healthy, without spending more than 20 € a week and let me tell you how complicated it is to fix a weekly menu (having to cook two different things for two persons). I think we should definitively save money, but not up to this point. 

Another matter we argue about is regarding how often we should visit or families. We go visit their parents once a month, so we've been there 4 times since we moved. We've been to my home 0, I went alone 1 time and then my mother came visit 1. The fact that he keeps complaining about only spending 3 days a month with them makes me want to slap him. I understand he wants to see them, but I want to see my mother as often as he does... Or even more, considering my mother is alone. No kids visiting her or taking care of her, no husband, no nothing!! I'm her only child, not only I feel responsible for leaving her alone, but I'm not even able to go visit her... Because of the f****** savings plan. 

And finally, something that's inside of my mind but I'm not telling him is how much I regret moving here. I gave up my live, my beautiful, huge, comfy home, my mother, a nice fulfilling secured job, my friends, the sun... for him. And he takes it for granted. I'm just part of his planned life, I don't even have a saying on any decisions. 

FRUSTATED