Fooooood

What helps you when you are sad? In my case it used to be sports, then eating and then shopping depending on how old I was. If I only had money... So I'm eating like a crazy person... So I'm getting fat as we speak... And I don't want to but I'm hopeless.. I'm wondering how I'll get out of this one...

Big black dog

Have you seen the video about depression compared to a black dog? Here, highly recommended: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

Well for a couple of days my dog has been growing... And last night was bad. It was one of those nights when I was exhausted but I couldn't manage to fall sleep. All I was able to do was crying. I guess I'm overwhelmed by having left a decent job, moved to a different city where after 4 months I haven't met anyone, losing my economic independence and stability, feeling lost, alone, not appreciated, stupid, annoying... It started like that and then my head decided to go down memory lane and awful memories came to town.

I woke up feeling like shit (at least I managed to sleep 4 hours), got up, dressed up... I did everything in my "get better program" relating to external appearance: dress-nicely-wear-make-up (you know my theory on how external appearances might lead to change the way you fell inside)... Today it's not working. Someday I don't manage to make things work, It's one of those so at this point I'm just hoping it will go fast. 

Stay strong, Fight! 

Fashion bloggers

I love fashion. As you may know in the last years many bloggers have emerged and became life exhibitors of brands to sell and promote their items. I'm not going to lie, but I check their posts almost every day. Some of them are professional bloggers, meaning they get paid for showing items in their blogs, and they also get to keep the clothes. And sometimes bloggers sell the clothes and get extra cash.

I used to think fashion blogs are cool, they express a certain personality and allowed anyone to get ideas on how to dress. However, after seeing the way some bloggers have become a mere way of selling stuff it makes me wonder if the shirt the girl is wearing is really something daring, cool and something she will wear if she wasn't paid for. Us mere mortals, with a normal budget and not getting paid for wearing clothes can't afford to have the same closest they have so we have to choose, prioritize and be realistic with the money and space we have. 

Last week, being already pissed with one blogger for being extremely obvious she was wearing something she wouldn’t normally wear... I saw one of them posting a link of a website where she was selling her clothes. It had the price, the composition and how many times the item had been used before. Most of the things had only been used one time. And now is when I need to ask myself, is it even responsible to behave like that? I'm a grown up, I know I can't buy 7 outfits every day and I don't get frustrated (at least not all the time!) but they are sending a wrong message to the young girls out there... 

I understand in their case bloggers use their clothes as part of their work, fine... But by the way blogs are made, and also the way they are written and I guess is the reason why they are so popular is because they are meant to represent "the girl next door" (of course, the girl next door always looking adorable). What would a normal girl wear to class/work/party? And it turns out some of the blogs are not even about that anymore. I respect it has become a job, but let’s not pretend they are spontaneous or free or that they represent "the girl next door" because what we see know it's just a brand, paying a model, the blogger, to show their clothes.

SPORT !

I'm expecting a call from the law firm I had the job interview a couple of weeks ago so I take my phone everywhere I go, I never turn it off and every time it rings my heart stops for a second (then I see it's my mother and my heartbeat goes back to normal)...

I'm trying to stay busy, and I am! I'm working on my current law firm website update, my driver’s license and I'm going to the gym every day. Yeah I decided it will be part of my "building an awesome life" have a slightly better body. I know it will never be a killer body; I never had even when I was a member of the national fencing team and trained for 2 hours every single day, even on the weekends. So that's that for expectations on my body but even if all the exercise I do doesn't change my body I've already told you it changes my humor. 

Sport has the ability of making you happy, apparently because of endorphins or whatever (I'm not a doctor, I don't like them I don't really want to know about chemical reactions inside my brain...) And it's addictive! Seriously, I bet if you start you won't be able to stop!! You might even feel the need of trying new sports. I'm not going to lie, my muscles are seriously sore but this muscular pain makes me feel good and I embrace it. 

Weekends and get aways

Exciting news!!! It's raining again... And I'm wearing black!!! I don't know why! It just happened.. I was on a hurry today and I forgot about my resolutions. It probably means I haven't interiorized the whole program but I'm not giving up!!

The weekend was amazing. We decided to pack our bags and get to know a little more about the area where we are leaving so off we went. Narrow roads, wineries along the road, small villages... And finally we made it to the hotel:

Our hotel was a monastery until the XIXth when the government decided to confiscated a lot of the properties belonging to the Catholic Church. The building is beautiful and they made such a wonderful job making it a hotel and mixing old and new trends in deco. 

As for the view... What can I say?? I have no words to describe it...We got to hike around and took a boat to see the mountains from a different point of view and it made us feel so small. And it made me think, those mountains, those trees, they will remain long after I leave this world but they'll be there. Our time here is limited and therefore we need to make the most of it. Assume we will suffer, assume we will laugh, assume we might not have it all, assume life is a constant fight and that it's ok to stop and rest a few minutes. It's ok as long as after the rest we go back to the game and fight the hell out of life. 

Love me, love you!

Have you ever had a moment of revelation? I have... It was a month ago... I was talking about how upset I was about not being able to control myself when it came to criticism. I've been over criticizing people, sometimes for good reasons, some other times for no reason at all...

The person I was talking to asked if I was like that with myself. It took me a few seconds to answer yes... And the he said "if you don't see the beauty in you how do you expect to see beauty in the others"? This message is not about "love yourself and others will love you".... It's about "love yourself and you'll be able to love others". 

I remember when I was so depressed that I couldn't even bear listening to neither my mother’s voice nor my boyfriend’s (we weren't married back then)... The 2 persons I loved the most in the world and even their voices were upsetting... I was so hurt, I had lost my faith, and "hope" had disappeared from my vocabulary... Everything seemed ugly, shallow... "How the world keeps moving after what happened to my father? After what happened to this family? After what happened to me? Don't talk to me about clothes, art, music... don't kiss me, don't touch me..." I was destroyed, incapable of loving anything or anyone... 

It is so important to make an effort, exercise kindness, not only to others but with you. Please take a second a day to say something nice about how amazing your hair looks today or how adorable your hands are... I don't know, how smart you are, that great joke you’re said yesterday... Be thankful for what you are and love love loooove you in order to love the others better.

Grandparents

Sorry for missing a few days.. It was my husband's b-day and I wanted to make something special. He is not used to celebrate things but since I had my breakdown I decided to celebrate every little thing worth celebrating... And 35 years are definitively worth celebrating!!

The best part was baking my grandmothers lemon cake... It actually brought back a lot of memories and made me wish I had known my grandparents better. I find grandparents have such a strong responsibility on keeping the family together. They always manage to make the brothers and sisters come together. Unfortunately since my grandparents passed away when I was a kid and I've seen the difference between how Christmas or any other important holidays were celebrated... 

Do you have a good relationship with your grandparents? My advice? Get to spend as much time as you can with them...