Update

Hi guys!! I'm enjoying a few days back at home with my mother and friends. I'm trying to squeeze every single minute before going back to work.. Because starting the day after tomorrow basically means not having summer holidays. Don't get me wrong, I'm ok with that but I wish I had more days to be able to get a little rest before hell week. 

I'm not being negative, but beginnings are generally complicated. Being the new kid at school it's always stressing, learning the names, meeting new people, figure out who your lunch date will be... Finding out about how they get organized... Get used to that... It can be overwhelming! 

My intention, since I start on Thursday, is gather all this information an assuming it all during the weekend. 

I'll let you know how my first day goes!!

Insecurity

Feelings after the amazing news are confusing. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I can't wait to go back to stressful life making money for the family, feeling important and relevant again. But in the back of my head there is this small voice called Insecurity making me wonder... Will I be good enough? I'm trying not to listen but it is a grey could over my head I have to say.

And I need to buy shoes, you know? And a dress! Mandatory! God I'm such a girl!

Here and Now

Thank God it's Friday already!! I can't wait to wake up tomorrow at 11... Yeah, I'm a better person when a get a good night of sleep. Well, I heard we all are and it's true that generally we don't get enough sleep. The problem is we lack hours for doing all we are supposed to do in a day... 

Since they called me back from the lovely law firm I want to go work with called me it's not even a problem of finding the time but about keeping my mind quiet and focus on where she should be. It doesn't matter how tired I am if she is worried she won't let me sleep. My head can be a bitch because she will stay up and it might be it's not even to think about a solution it could be about saving the tropical forest, solving diplomatic problems or...pretty much everything. 

What I usually do is repeat one of my favorite Bikram Yoga Mantra Here and now. What I ask my mind to do is to be in the moment. It relates to the fact that sometimes we spend a lot of times thinking about the future, when it's not there yet and therefore we forget to enjoy the present. And others we obsess about the future, what will happened after and we forget to enjoy the present. And the problem is that by forgetting the present you can miss out on a lot: good or bad. 

And if you are going to say why would anyone like to live consciously a bad thing... I'll have to say because it's part of ours paths. Work for the day: assume and make peace with this. 

To care or not to care.

They say rough times either kill you or make you stronger. I can't tell what they're doing to me. This week is been intense, in two days I had people crying on the phone. Amazingly enough I felt nothing, I was mostly annoyed. When did this happen? I used to empathize with everyone around me. I guess you could consider it a problem sometimes because I couldn't help of feeling sorry and think about others people problems. But this "problem" was also a good thing, I was a good listener and it showed I cared (and that I had feelings).

Is it possible that I'm now immune to the suffering of the others? I hope not because the answer to my question will then have to be KILL. To me not caring about the others equals being dead inside (and I don't want to be dead!) No amount of suffering could make you forget that there are others also suffering. It's necessary to acknowledge that because if you don't you might become selfish and self-centered. 

After discussing this with my lovey-dovey he says it's probably because I'm getting used to do my job, I don't think it's a very good excuse. I think as part of my job I need to be able to stay connected to the people. But he's grateful I'm taking distance with other's people problems. 

Two points of view... But I need to feel good about myself so I'll work on it. 

Walls !

I used to think crying was a symptom of weakness. Then my life changed and I realized I wasn't able to control me and I would cry for the most unexpected reasons. I didn't cry with any movie, not even Bambi when I was a kid. After 2012 I discover Kleenex were a must when going to the movies. But it wasn't only the movies, it was everything. I guess I became a sensitive person, or that my show-feelings-control systems was shacked to a core. 

The thing is that working on rebuilding me I wanted to start again on my anti-cry wall but it turns out I couldn't. That was until yesterday. After all the emotions (and two failed attempts of killing my driver’s license teacher) I was feeling the anxiety attack coming, I could feel it in my stomach, my chest, my heart... So I immediately grabbed my sawing kit and start over a decoration project I had in mind in order to focus on something else. Then my husband made it home and all that pressure turned into the need of crying. 

I decided it was now or never. Crying will not express a feeling, the message was out, I wasn't even supposed to be sad! I really don't know how but I laid the first brick down, tiers stayed in for the night. In exchange I stayed up almost all night (I believe this is related not to the tiers thing but to the almost anxiety attack...) 

Rebuilding stuff is hard, but always keep in mind it is an opportunity to include all the changes you might need in order to live better. 

Killer shoes!

I woke up to a beautiful sunny day and I told myself, today no coat, no socks, hello spring!! I'm super cute, but my shoes are torturing me!! I don't know how I'm going to make back home... I might just have to stay here for ever!! I've been wearing this shoes for a few days I don't know why they are doing this to meeeee!!!!! I remember reading one day that wearing unconfortable shoes causes bad mood and stress. I couldn't agree more!!! 

Piece of advice: during season changes wear invisible socks... Save your feet!

Driving, taking control

Hiiiii!!! Exciting news!!! I passed the written test of my driver’s license and I got two paying cases yesterday!! And... I met a nice girl, suitable for friendship in this cold and wet city!! YAYYYY!!!! I guess sometimes patience pays off. 

So yesterday I had my first experience as a driver. It was scary!!! I was told of the possibility of driving back from the circuit where you learn your basics and I said no way, I rather take it slow than kill someone. But my teacher lied and I had no choice but to drive back. Luckily no one got hurt in the procedure and at the end I was happy he pushed me to do it. 

Isn't it prophetic? How many times in life we are so scare of taking the wheel, of taking control of our life? And it's not only because we can hurt people but because it means putting ourselves on the line. Taking a risk, no chance to use as an excuse "he made me do it" but really assuming a responsibility. The responsibility of leaving the life we were given. 

We were created to be free. Which means daring to make our own choices. It doesn't matter if we make mistakes, that's why friends were created for, to help us get back on track. But if you don't take the chance of living, of choosing, of being free... I'm afraid you are not really living, you are just passing by. And considering how rough life can be, it wouldn't be worth it. You will suffer, yes, so in the meantime enjoy good times! Create them! But let it be YOUR good moments, nobody else's.

The "I-Dont'-Care" lie

It's difficult to some to share their feelings. Sometimes it's because they're shy, or they think it's a sign ok weakness. I was in the first category, then my world turned upside-down and I can hardly find my feelings. When I was in therapy the doctor told me I had to make an effort to express things, apparently I'm (or was, IDK) the kind of person who puts everyone needs before others. I have made "I don't care" my mantra, not because I didn't really care but because I was fine doing what others wanted to do. 

For instance, when it came down to choose what personal belongings we wanted from my dad I let my brother and sister choose first. I told my therapist I was ok with it and she wasn't surprised. She asked me if we had something else to choose from, and I said the paintings. She gave me an assignment: I had to choose first. I couldn't. I realized right then that I didn't have control over my life; I was just leaving the way others made me do it. Was it to avoid conflict? To make everyone happy? If it's the first reason I'm screwed as a lawyer. If it's the second, I'm retarded. It's impossible to make everyone happy, someone always will not be ok with your decision or path or whatever. And how the hell will you make anyone happy if you’re miserable? So after careful considerations I made the list of the paintings I loved the most. Not because of the value but because they brought up memories (when I was decorating our home the first thing I putted up was a picture of my parents. I picture that I love so much, they look so happy and my dad was so handsome...). 

I understood that inheritances are painful, and sometimes material things might not seam important at that moment, but if you don't pay attention to those things there is a big chance that you'll regret it in the future. I want my future kids to have something from his grandfather so they can remember him. 

We can be heroes

My apologies for having disappeared!!! Much needed vacation to the south in order to enjoy the sun, good food and the family. We had an awesome time and I would be sad it's over but I'm excited about the things that are around the corner. 

What things? oh do tell us. Ok, I'll tell you. Because today I'm hopeful and grateful. Strangely enough and even if right now I might not be where I wanted to be in life, I am positive I'll get there at some point. It is so important to have something to look forward... The fact that we expect make us want to be around. And you wouldn't stay around if you didn't have the feeling that something good is coming your way.

I guess it's not possible to wait forever but in that case I'll recommend expecting something else. Is there a different possibility? Ok, so maybe I didn't get the job I wanted, is it possible I can get excited about switching carriers? Is there something else in the menu? Or in a different key... The guy you went out with three weeks ago didn't call. New chance to go out, dance, party, flirt... Find a new guy and have the "first-kiss-kind-a-buzz".   

The amazing grace of being able to smile thru rough times depends only in you. You have the power of turning a bad thing into, at least, a less bad thing. And when this ability is mastered you could even change it to a good thing, it will be a new beginning. It takes time and strength but once you manage to do it you can call yourself a HEROE. 

Certificates and stupid questions

Oh, Am I pissed..?!?! I've never been treated like that before... Let me explain, you will understand. Before you can get your driver’s license you need a doctor to analyze if you might have any kind of physical or psychological which will make you unsuitable for driving. 

One of the questions was if I had visited a psychiatrist or psychologist in the last 5 years, I answered yes because it's true and because I'm not ashamed. I needed help, it was very painful to admit it but I did it and somehow, even before going to the doctor my cured had started just by asking for help. The woman went crazy, all alarms went off, they put me in a separate room and they had I psychologist asking questions about how often I wanted to kill myself. 

I was released from treatment 11 months ago. It was hard, it was (as it is now) a fight but I manage to do it. Even in the deepest moments I never had the intention of killing myself, not even once. She made me go back to that time where getting out of bed was painful and honestly I don't think it was necessary. They made me feel weak, and ashamed... But only for a minute. 

I decided I wasn't going to give them the power of ruining my day, of ruining the experience of getting my driver’s license, which is something I'm enjoying a lot. Having a psychological decease is not something to be ashamed off. I believe there is still a stigma about psychological deceases. Absurd, isn't it? I don't think I'm any different from any other person with a physical condition... We both needed doctors, meds, support... 

I left with the freaking certificate but I'm never going back there. 

Yee-pee

I'll be happy for the weekend to start but we'll be spending it with my in laws. Yep, not excited honestly. They are great persons, it's just that I like being at home, with my sheets and my bathroom... I don't like the attention nor the comments about how a good house keeper should behave because secretly she makes me feel bad for firmly believe when both partners are working, housekeeping becomes a shared task. I refuse to work at the office, and at home so he can read his paper confortably. We both contribute and that's it!

I guess it's a generation thing, she is the age of my grandmother and me grandmother even pealed of the fruits for my grandfather... I refuse to do that! And I won't do it with my kids if I ever have one... I could understand when one of the familly members is not working, then it should be his job, boy or girl. 

Fooooood

What helps you when you are sad? In my case it used to be sports, then eating and then shopping depending on how old I was. If I only had money... So I'm eating like a crazy person... So I'm getting fat as we speak... And I don't want to but I'm hopeless.. I'm wondering how I'll get out of this one...

Fashion bloggers

I love fashion. As you may know in the last years many bloggers have emerged and became life exhibitors of brands to sell and promote their items. I'm not going to lie, but I check their posts almost every day. Some of them are professional bloggers, meaning they get paid for showing items in their blogs, and they also get to keep the clothes. And sometimes bloggers sell the clothes and get extra cash.

I used to think fashion blogs are cool, they express a certain personality and allowed anyone to get ideas on how to dress. However, after seeing the way some bloggers have become a mere way of selling stuff it makes me wonder if the shirt the girl is wearing is really something daring, cool and something she will wear if she wasn't paid for. Us mere mortals, with a normal budget and not getting paid for wearing clothes can't afford to have the same closest they have so we have to choose, prioritize and be realistic with the money and space we have. 

Last week, being already pissed with one blogger for being extremely obvious she was wearing something she wouldn’t normally wear... I saw one of them posting a link of a website where she was selling her clothes. It had the price, the composition and how many times the item had been used before. Most of the things had only been used one time. And now is when I need to ask myself, is it even responsible to behave like that? I'm a grown up, I know I can't buy 7 outfits every day and I don't get frustrated (at least not all the time!) but they are sending a wrong message to the young girls out there... 

I understand in their case bloggers use their clothes as part of their work, fine... But by the way blogs are made, and also the way they are written and I guess is the reason why they are so popular is because they are meant to represent "the girl next door" (of course, the girl next door always looking adorable). What would a normal girl wear to class/work/party? And it turns out some of the blogs are not even about that anymore. I respect it has become a job, but let’s not pretend they are spontaneous or free or that they represent "the girl next door" because what we see know it's just a brand, paying a model, the blogger, to show their clothes.

Love me, love you!

Have you ever had a moment of revelation? I have... It was a month ago... I was talking about how upset I was about not being able to control myself when it came to criticism. I've been over criticizing people, sometimes for good reasons, some other times for no reason at all...

The person I was talking to asked if I was like that with myself. It took me a few seconds to answer yes... And the he said "if you don't see the beauty in you how do you expect to see beauty in the others"? This message is not about "love yourself and others will love you".... It's about "love yourself and you'll be able to love others". 

I remember when I was so depressed that I couldn't even bear listening to neither my mother’s voice nor my boyfriend’s (we weren't married back then)... The 2 persons I loved the most in the world and even their voices were upsetting... I was so hurt, I had lost my faith, and "hope" had disappeared from my vocabulary... Everything seemed ugly, shallow... "How the world keeps moving after what happened to my father? After what happened to this family? After what happened to me? Don't talk to me about clothes, art, music... don't kiss me, don't touch me..." I was destroyed, incapable of loving anything or anyone... 

It is so important to make an effort, exercise kindness, not only to others but with you. Please take a second a day to say something nice about how amazing your hair looks today or how adorable your hands are... I don't know, how smart you are, that great joke you’re said yesterday... Be thankful for what you are and love love loooove you in order to love the others better.

Overwhelmed

Oh my... Today is the kind of day that makes you extra grateful. It was the first time I visited prison. As a lawyer you are supposed to assist your client there but I have never been there before mostly because my specialties are civil and commercial law. 

As I entered the prison walls I was trying to remain calmed although I was completely overwhelmed. I guess I wasn't prepare... I found our client, shaking; I don't know if it was because of how cold it was or the lack of drug in her body. She was kind, educated and had a looooooong record. I thought about giving her my scarf but I red before joining her in her cell that her boyfriend tried to take his own life with a towel and didn't want to take any risk. 

In her record shit I also found out no one came to pick up her stuff when her boyfriend had his mum... It made me feel sad for her. How did you find yourself into that? I can't imagine... 

The second part of my day didn't get much better. The second client was an 18 year old boy... He confessed so nothing much to do about his case but we got to talk. The dad was missing, her mum had a second kid the second husband also left, her grandmother was feeding and taking care of all three. He was mostly ashamed... He couldn't look at me in the eyes, they set him free again and I couldn't help of thinking again about the first girl, she will be spending that night in jail. For a reason. But, in jail... 

At some point that girl had to make a choice between committing a crime and risk a few years of her life in jail or stay where she was and somehow she preferred taking the risk rather than staying where she was. Can you imagine how desperate she was? Today I learned to be grateful for being free. Because at some point we all had the choice... Being good or choosing the wrong path and ending in a bad place... I'm grateful because I always had a support system giving me in in the dark...