Allowing the others

I was driving back home with my husband today and he was very upset about a mistake I colleague made and ended up affecting him. He kept going on and on and on about how this will affect his credibility, how sure he was the client will leave... And I kept giving him what I thought were good solutions to the problems. To every solution he responded with a negative comment.

It was pretty obvious he didn't want to see a solution but I needed to make a little experiment (Hello, I'm Isabel and I'm a bad wife). I can assure I wasn't telling him how he is supposed to do his job, I know nothing about it, and all I was talking about was regarding costumer care and internal marketing. 

I presented an excellent plan for solving the whole thing which he quickly refused. I changed to subject to my blooming new business and all he had to say about it was negative (I took a pen to write everything down in order to avoid making any faux pas). My last attempt to keep the conversation flowing today was to say good things about him... how nice he is, how cute, how funny... He stopped me right there. I gave up and we made it home safely. 

The point of telling you about this is because some of you are also going thru raugh times and are feeling down, sad or you are dealing with depression. Sometimes all this things manage to make us forget that there is always a solution. Don't let fear or pain be the cloud hiding the sun. Don't allow tears blurry your goals. And in those days where the fear, the pain or the tears are wining the battle listen to the people around you, let their perspective pull you out of your misery by keeping an open mind. 

The Roses and the Sun

Good morning guys!! Today is a beautiful day, I say it with a big smile. You may wonder why... Because the sun is shining!! Sunny days make me soooo happy. The light that colors the streets and chasing the sunny spots make my day.

So today I'm reaching high level of being positive! I have so many reasons to be thankful for... Nothing is perfect and I'm comforted by that. None of us are protected from deception, pain, suffering (yeah girl, way to be positive) but the fact that we are here, that you are reading this means we are also strong and powerful. You might not see it; I didn't when I was in a dark place.

I remember when I finally realized I wanted to have a better life. I didn't want a life directed by depression but of course it's easier said than done. Not only from the psychological side of it but because my health insurance was taking too long to answer my request to assume the medical expenses of the treatment. I couldn't wait, so I decide to try doing a simple exercise, write down a positive thing about the day I had. 

It helped me get things into perspective and allowed me to recreate that good thing that had happen to me. Some days it was hard to find something to write down. I had to make an effort to block my bad feelings and dark thoughts and ask my mind to find something beautiful and describe it. That time I spent thinking about that great thing brought me so much peace.

I woke up today and saw a picture of a gorgeous woman smelling a rose and it made me think that I have been absorbed by the terrifying daily routine and forgot to stop and smell the roses. I have to get back on track. Of course roses are only an allegory; it's really about enjoying the good we have around. None of us is save from pain or suffering, in fact I can guarantee you will have to go thru those, and that's why we need to make an effort and emphasize on the good stuff. 

Miranda Kerr, smelling the roses

Business woman

Hola!!!! My day started early today, I went to the hospital for my blood test. I went with my husband because he has been pushing his doctor appointments for too long. I am nooooot the kind of wife who likes to annoy her men about it mostly because if I could never go back to a doctor I will probably be the happiest woman on earth. 

No, really, doctors are fine. My fear has nothing to do with the way they treat you, although some of them should learn to drop big news softer. I have come across the sweetest docs and the rough ones. I'm mostly afraid of bad news. I guess I have become a pessimist, I already mentioned whenever I go to the doctor I expect them to say "you have cancer"...

Anyway! Besides my medical stuff I'm busy designing the office's new website. They had an ugly old one and I convince my colleague they needed to updated it because after all a website is a lot of times the first impression people have of a business. I'm happy to be in charge, I have always wanted to do it and I think it will be helpful in case I decide to go ahead and start my own business. 

I've been thinking about opening my own business for a long time... Not having the job of your dreams makes you think a lot and I realized I might have to create it if it doesn't exist. I thought about opening my own business it for a long time, I started pitching my idea... I was making sure I wasn't making any bad choices from the beginning... And yesterday I had a craaaaaazy idea that I think will allow to make more money [PAUSE FOR EXCITEMENT]

Ok, I used my pause not only to do the victory dance but to check the cost of my super new idea and tonight I will pitch my idea to my husband and start it tomorrow! YAY!!!!! Stay tune for big exciting news!!!!!

[I swear I’m not nuts, just hopeful and it’s such a nice feeling]

Me, right now!

Special guest

Good morning!!!! How was your weekend?? Mine was excellent. A very dear friend of mine came visit with her husband and we had such a lovely time. Weather allowed us to pay visit to beautiful places around the city and we took advantage of it.

My friend is so inspiring... She has been fighting against anxiety for a long time. She got married five years ago, she did it with the fear of being the only one with an income. She is a nurse, and unfortunately she doesn't have a stable job. The hospital only signs contacts with employees for 6-12 months tops so she is is always concern the contract she is signing could be the last one.

Her husband lost his job, his family went bankcrupt and the possibility of finding a job with his education didn't seem so easy. But he is the kind of incapable of worrying which only increased the pressure over my friends shoulders.

She is a strong woman but at some point her body couldn't take the pressure anymore. Whenever she waving an anxiety attack she would think she was losing her mind until she realized she need it help. Professional help.

At first she decided she will only take the pills and refused therapy. She then realized taking the meds was only helping the panic episodes but not solving the problem behind it and started therapy. She went every two weeks, started to cut the doses month by month...

And then she went back to the beginning. She was upset she wasn't pregnant but could stand the idea of taking on such a big responsibility. She changed therapist and one day she texted me she was going to change her medication in order to make sure the meds won't hurt a baby, she wasn't pregnant then but it only took one month and then she was.

When she came on Friday her belly was already showing and the sadness and worry I could see in her eyes was suddenly gone. She has replaced that pain with happiness and hope. I know she has weak moments, don’t we all?

Mental illness is a constant fight I'm afraid but she is a living prove that we can do it! That you can do it!

Doctors... oh my!

Helloooooo! Big news, I went to the doctor yesterday, an eye doctor. I felt like I had something in my eye... Turns out I had nothing but what could be the "dry eye syndrome". He sent my to an specialist and I might have a autoimmune disease which means my body is attacking himself... Wow... What a beautifull irony. I've been psochologically atacking me and now that I'm mostly fine, my body starts doing crazy thing.

The sickness is called the sjorgen syndrome. There are two types, one mostly unconfortable and the other one is related to veeeeery scaaaaaary stronger autoimmune deceases I rather not mention. So far the doctors think it's probably the not so scary because of the non external signs but I have to go on monday for a blood test.

I think I need to say I hate doctors ever since what happend to my dad. I think what happened to me yesterday was my biggest fear come true. Go to the doctor for a regular visit or something stupit like I think I have a peace of shit in my eyer, and leave with cancer. Ok, not cancer but autoimmune. Potato, potatoe.

I now I have to wait for the results but I'm scared as hell. I can't help it.

Going back to therapy (also known as going back to the gym)

Hello Hello! Sport has always been important in my life. I grew up being in the national fencing team and after I had to quit in order to pursue other dreams I started skiing, sailing, joined a gym... I was actually able to keep up with my exercise while visiting my dad in the hospital daily. Which only proves my point, if you really want it, you make it happen. 

What I adore about sports is the feeling after a workout. No matter what happens, even if you are playing a tennis match and you miserably lose to your opponent it doesn't matter. At least your heart beat increased, your muscles stretched and have sweat running down your face and it's such a satisfying feeling.

When I went to therapy one of my doctors recommendations was to force myself to stay active. I couldn't agree more. If you are going thru something take at least 30 minutes of the day, preferably those you will spent sitting down overthinking, and go for a run, or just a fast walk. You will see a change and feel it too (in your mind and your body). 

Last year I started Bikram Yoga, which is a yoga you practice at 40º degrees and it first kicks your ass but then you feel soooo good. Back then I could only afford one day a week but it was a moment of peace combined with a high intensity sport. I absolutely loved it, but moving to a smaller city meant a change of habits.

Arriving here I thought at least I will be able to keep my gym rhythm, which basically meant go to everybody combat class possible. Well, surprise surprise, only one gym here caries Les Mills program. The gym was excellent but they only had one class of body combat and the location is not so great because you must take the car to get there (and find a spot to park).

I couldn't care less... I made some research, the math and convinced my husband to join in. We did it and I couldn't wait for combat (which is today) so I started with Zumba. I had a blast! I don't think I really burn that much but I founded myself inhibited and I'm sure being arrhythmic I actually didn't do it that bad.

I was surprised by the amount of people in the class! And from all ages (I was probably the youngest)! Today I'm going back, this time for body combat, I can't wait!!

The power of the high heel

Hello there!! Today I'm wearing high heels... YEAH! I'm feeling powerfull yet sexy (power and sexyness a lot of time seem to be oposites, please refer to any picture of Angela Merkel).

To be honest... Considering how cold it is and the kind of job I'm doing I might as well be wearing jeans and uggs. However, I decided to spice things up with my outfits. Why? Because it is a fact the way we dress tells a lot about a person. And I'm tired of my look saying looooooooser. 

I have also heard you should dress for the job you want and I want a cool job. The kind of job that will require high heels... Shallow? I don't think so. Let me ask you something, are you going to tell me that you rather go to a sad grey boring dressed arquitecht than to a hip cool trending looking one? 

Now, I'm not nuts. I know by dressing cooler I won't get a job but there is also a psycological component to it. Taking care of how you look like means you actually care about yourself. It's not about the way others see you, but the relationship you have with yourself. 

I will define my relationship with myself as complicated and I'm speaking about the looks and the inside. There are days I kindda like me, others I wish my elevator didn't have a miror (the problem is that this usually shows...). But I'm hoping that by trying to look nicer, even if it's just externally might stick and stay.  

When enough is enough

Good morning sunshines! Yesterday was a horrible day... I was hopping to get a call from a job interview I made a couple of weeks ago and instead I saw a new add from the company so I guess I wasn't good enough.

GOD I hate that... Not being enough... I remember reading in one of those sentence-affirmation kind of things: 

"Note to self: RELAX. You are enough. You have enough. You do enough."

And when it might be true there are moments when it's not easy to keep repeating the mantra. Like today. Ok, I have enough, I agree. I do enough, at this point I'm only hoping so... But am I enough?

This kind of question left me eyed open last night so I guess exhaustion just adds up to the pile. My conclusion was... It depends to whom. But my concern here is... I'm the only one judging me, considering I'm not enough, well besides the guys at the job interview because I was perfect for the job, seriously. 

What can I do to avoid that kind of thinking? Is there something I can do?

Introductions and life experience

Hi! I'm Me. Two years ago I had given up on myself. After my dad lost the battle to leukemia I was completely destroyed. 

The battle against cancer was fierce and my mum and I like to think myself made sure my dad wasn't alone on the battlefield. We actually won the first battle, he was able to go back home, eat all he wanted and live a normal life (I won't lie, the process was very hard on all of us but worth it every sweat drop of it). A few months later we lost the war and we lost me.

Besides for the fact of losing him which was obviously devastating I also made a new acquaintance, the postwar syndrome also known as depression. It took me way too long to ask for help but I'm glad I did, but I'm not glad I rushed into stopping the treatment because I realize now I wasn't ready. 

My doctors said it was a very common reaction. I wasn't comforted by that, actually nothing brought me comfort these days. When my dad went back to the hospital I remember going there at my lunch break to spend it with him. I spent most of my weekends with him. When he said goodbye I didn't know what to do at lunch or on weekends. 

It's so ironic. No one wants to live like that, but once you do you rather live it like that than go home without him. I miss him every day. I think about him so much. And the funny thing about it is we weren't that close before he got sick.

I struggle every day to be positive and overcome depression because the horrible thing about it is it never goes away. So I guess I keep fitting, it's just a different battlefield.

This blog is intended to by a safe place to people who can relate to my story. It could be a place to share our pain, our fears...but above all our victories. Because the war I lost that was enough losing for a lifetime. 

Care to join me?