Suicide and Depression

            I have put a lot of thought about this post… I didn’t know if it’s too early to talk about it but I think it’s important regardless how hard it’s going to be because of the relation between depression and suicide.

            First, I would like to say that I never had the urge of putting an end to my suffering. Some refer to this as “not being brave enough”… I personally think brave is the one that keeps fighting, quitters can’t be called brave. And for those saying admitting a defeat takes courage I’ll say life can only defeat you with death, surrender before is not an act to be proud of.

            I’ve red pretty upsetting comments about people “supporting” Robin Williams choice. I’m sure they didn’t go thru depression because one thing I know for sure is that it wasn’t my choice to not being able to smile for days, incapable of getting out of bed or feeling constantly miserable… It wasn’t his choice to kill him, it was his disease. Depression is a serious and common disease and it happens to work like any other. You don’t choose to be depressed the same way you don’t choose to have diabetes.

            Reading this sort of things I realize how strong the stigma of depression remains. People still comment on others if they happen to know someone was going to therapy, and then it all gets crazy if they happen to go to the psychiatrist. I find it repulsing. Will you ever judge someone for going to the doctor? Or a cancer patient for receiving Chimo? I don’t think so… So why is it that we had to put up with judgments for admitting we needed professional help and for making everything in our hands for getting better?

            I don’t know what kept Robin from reaching out. I understand shame could be it, but I hope it wasn’t that being surrounded by people no one was patient enough to see what was hiding behind his smile.

Be active!

Hi guys! Things are very slow at work, which would be ok if I wasn’t counting every minute to leave and meet my friend’s baby!!! IT’s only making the day oh so long…  I can’t help of feeling like a auntie… It’s weird but I don’t remember being this excited with my brothers kids. I guess it’s partly because I was so young I wasn’t even aware… But also because of the role my friend has played in my recovery.

Thinking back I realize I didn’t have any bad days since I’m working here… My husband says it’s because I’m so tired know that my body is focused on staying awake. If that’s so, thank you body. The more I think about it the more I’m convinced it’s true… Actually I just had a flash, I remember my therapist saying whenever I felt the pain or the anxiety, change your focus on the pain, choose a different activity and just focus!! I turned that advice into something pretty cool… I took my calligraphy classes and sewing  machine classes, a blast! Not very helpful although I made my husband buy a machine… (it’s just that I need more classes!! I can’t make a dress to save my life, not even a hem… I just learned…well..to turned it on, which is the first step!!)) 

You can use this idea.. Take classes of something you think you might like, get involved!

Exboyfriends (Part II)

During that time I was looking for a suitable roommate. I found the perfect person who happened to be a guy. When I told him he went nuts and said he “forbid me to move with him”. So I immediately called my new roommate to treat him to dinner. I remembered right then and there what it was like been his girlfriend, the person I was when I was with him… And I refused to go back.

The call was awful. I kept blaming myself for not being face to face saying those words, he deserved better. I asked him not to come, I offered to pay him the ticket he had bought… It was awful, just awful. Now I understand there is no pleasant breakup when someone’s feelings are involved. It doesn’t really matter if it’s you braking up or they are breaking up with you, trust me, I’ve been in both sides.

You can imagine, after three years we shared a lot of friends and they couldn’t understand my reasons which made me think I was going to loose him and my friends during this process. Truth be told I became closer with my real friends, lost the bad ones and most importantly I found myself. A happy self, complete self… It was hard.. It took me time to realize I wasn’t depending on anyone and anyone was depending on me. At first solitude was disturbing and after it was much appreciated. 

It didn’t take me too long to fall in love again. I met Miguel in Paris, Someone put him in that specific place in Paris. At first none of us expected anything from the other… The distance, the age difference… But with him it all seemed easy, comfortable, safe. The love of my life, my companion for life, my rock, my dear husband… 

Sorry if it’s too corny. I want you to understand that even if breakups are terrible and there’s a lot of pain involved it can only turn into something great because that person isn’t the love of your life and you deserve nothing but that.

Happy news

Today’s entry is probably one of the most specials… My best friends, my soul mate, my sister and one of the loves of my life is in labor. I’ll kill to be by her side right now, sharing this moment. I have told you about her multiple times… She got married 5 years ago and since then she’s been going thru so much… She has been suffering anxiety attacks and depression. I’m honored to say we fought that together. 

I remember when I first realized I needed professional help but was so scare to go to a consultation… I told her and I didn’t even asked her, she said she’ll pick me up from work. And so she did. We walked together to the doctors, we waited patiently, she held my hand and waited for me outside. She’s been every step of my recovery process.

One of her sources of pain and anxiety was having a baby. Today she is having a baby. All of her fears are gone; she is exited and can’t wait to see his little face. Neither can I. So far she is only 6 cms, epidural on and trying to get some rest. I didn’t call and I’m trying not to disturb every 5 minutes but it’s really hard. 

I pray for her and her baby to be Ok. I know they will be but just in case I made sure she understood I was by her side and that I loved her. It made us cry, but those are happy tears, well deserved ones if you ask me. These tears are a gift, they prove you can make it through anything. You can kick depression and anxiety if you keep fighting. As it turns out they’re weaker than what you thought.

Exboyfriends (Part I)

Whenever I explain what my blog is about I always get weird faces. This blog is about depression. I’m no doctor, quite the opposite, this piece of the internet is therapeutic for me but I always try to give some advice that may help you, dear reader. I couldn’t wait any longer to write this post, it’s time to speak about love or the end of it, ex-boyfriends. Tricky subject, please don’t judge.

I had a serious boyfriend for almost 3 years, we actually had in mind marriage… I must admit we started, at least from my side, quite innocently, and I never thought it could lead to anything serious. After a month it became clear to me he wasn’t the men of my life, he sensed it and tried to make things better, they didn’t and I faced him. When I was just starting to tell him that it will never workout he started crying* (pause for reaction). I didn’t know he had such deep feelings for me so I shocked, embarrassed and felt extremely guilty all at the same time. I gave him a chance.

After a few weeks he wasn’t feeling loved. This time he faced me… I remember listening to his complains telling to myself “I’m so selfish, look at him, he doesn’t deserve this, I’m not as  involved as he is”. Again the guilt made me remain with him and quite frankly I felt for him. We fought a lot, he was jealous, controlling… One of the things that bothers me the most is having people telling me what to do. During the second year of relationship I moved to Paris and we managed to make things work.. Kind of… My dad was concerned about the fact that two young persons in love and after not seeing each other for months weren’t excited to see each other. As a matter of fact when I was back at home he wouldn’t pick me up at the airport, we will always wait until the next day. 

Another year went by and during summer, instead of spending it with him I volunteer in Florence. Probably one of the best summers of my life. When I came back I saw things as they really were, I looked in the mirror and realize I wasn’t being myself, I forced me into becoming someone else to avoid the fights and to make him happy. It took me one month to tell him it was over. I was heartbroken not only because of the pain I caused him, I was also very much in pain myself. I loved him so deeply. The day after that I flew back to Paris, crying, devastated... I missed him so much… I kept thinking he will show up to win me back. 

He called to ask if he could come over to talk, I felt for it, he bought the ticket for a couple of weeks later. 

(*) We were in the middle of a big crowded street